07- Embracing Self-Love: From Eye-Rolls to Transformation

In this episode, our hosts continue the conversation around self-care, this time with a perspective on how it relates to self-love.

Rachel and Mandi talk about how self-love plays a role in relationships, sharing tips on how to build self-love, and most importantly, how crucial it may be to develop self-love before loving others, especially when it comes to dating.

• This episode starts with a synchronicity of the number 7: Number 777 symbolizes good fortune, luck, and change in life. It is an indication of personal growth, overcoming challenges, self-discovery, teamwork abundance, and success. 
• The difference between self-care and self-love is that care refers to the actions we take to look after ourselves physically and spiritually while self-love is more like looking after our emotional well-being. 
• Mandi and Rachel talk about attending a future leadership retreat although currently, it feels like the retreat space has become very competitive. The demand is much more nowadays. 
• When trying to create behavior changes, we have to start from the inside out if we want them to last. This can be very hard in our world today because we look for things that we don't like about ourselves based on what society promotes around us.
• A TikTok excerpt: I just want to remind you that when you speak negatively of your body in front of somebody else, you're also talking about their body, and at no point can you make negative comments about your body and not be inviting someone into a real-time appraisal of their own body. Deep down we believe that we are special, and individually, have a purpose. 
• Self-love goes hand in hand with gratitude which also lines up closely with love and joy. One powerful tool for this is Daily Affirmations; speak it as if it is already happening. You have to start believing it. 
• Do you think that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else? Rachel believes that it is possible to have both self-love and love for someone else in your life even though it is hard. More often than not, self-love has to happen first. Mandi had to learn to love herself after meeting her husband and this has been one of the foundations of their successful marriage, especially since she never dated anyone until they met. You can't love someone truly until you understand loving yourself.
• With more awareness, these days, the concept of emotional intelligence plays a huge role in dating. In the process of building relationships, there is a tendency to forget ourselves. This is a daily battle we have to engage in so we hold on to our identities. For Rachel, having space in a relationship to work on this is imperative for it to be successful.

"Self-care is the response to self-love"

 "You cannot hate yourself into a body that you will someday love"

 "How we speak to ourselves matters" 

 "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure; it is our light, not our darkness that frightens us"

"You can't love someone truly until you understand loving you yourself"

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:13

I was trying to let the beat drop Dang. Welcome back to the Spill Your Guts podcast. This is Mandy Holden, here with my reluctant pilgrim, rachel Don Prairie, and Jesse wants to give me some crap for coming in too late on that beat. What's up? Welcome back.

Speaker 2: 0:32

You raised the bar, high Mandy.

Speaker 1: 0:34

What week is this? Seventy seven, episode seven. Oh my gosh, was that a synchronicity? Whoa, what just happened? Hurry, how are you? sevens people, hurry, look it up. What is sevens? Look it up. Somebody tell us Somebody Number, hold on. Now I have to look it up because that was really weird. Actually, in the meantime, hi, hello, how are you? What's going on? We're back.

Speaker 3: 0:58

We just put together that. I mean we've always been in love, but we've gotten to be together. We've spent like an entire year together in person and on the interwebs.

Speaker 1: 1:11

We have. Does that mean we're in love? It does. Okay, here, wait, yes, just agree. Yes, it does mean we're in love. And then this it says number 777 is highly regarded because it symbolizes good fortune, luck and change in life. Seeing 777 is an indication for personal growth, overcoming challenges, self discovery, teamwork, spirituality, abundance and success in all areas of your life. Of course, and the kitchen sink. So you heard it here. First, folks, 777, this is the lucky episode. What are we going to talk about? Who knows?

Speaker 3: 1:53

Not even us.

Speaker 1: 1:56

Well, last time we, we uh our episode. I loved our conversation last time because we were talking about compassion to yourself and what is actually self care, and talking about how you know the misconception of self care is that it's bubble baths and you know luxury stuff which it can be right, but it's also a lot of hard work, like boundaries and radical honesty with yourself and acceptance and all the things, and so, yeah, we kind of sunk our teeth into a lot last week. What were your biggest takeaways?

Speaker 3: 2:29

Last week um I was trying to think of because I ended up doing that nervous system workshop too, which got some really good feedback. but I was trying to think, like if I had to define the difference between self care and self love and I feel like care is like the action, like the thing that we do to care for ourselves physically and spiritually, and self love is taking care of, like our emotional well being.

Speaker 1: 2:59

Yes, Like, like the self care is the response to self love is what you're saying?

Speaker 3: 3:06

Yeah, it's nourishing, you know, nourishing our body. Nourishing our bodies, moving them um, resting them, Yes, Where self love is more of like the acceptance of who we really are, even if we're part alien, it's fine.

Speaker 1: 3:22

Rachel is definitely part alien guys. I don't know if you know, but two, two times now we've been out at a retreat and we've seen Elon's satellites go overhead and Rachel gets pissed.

Speaker 3: 3:33

Listen, I'm putting you can't see me right now, but my hand is basically in the air because, okay, come on. What are the chances? first of all, if you don't, if you've never seen the, you know it's Starlink. it's only like up now in the air, right, If you like, launches it. it's not just like kicking it up there spying on us doing whatever it's supposed to do, bringing internet to people, blah, blah, blah. I didn't know it existed. She gets passionate about this, You guys.

Speaker 3: 4:00

Okay, This is awesome, i'm going in a brief tangent I'm sorry, jesse, she was pissed. I'm like sweating. I'm so upset, but here's what happened.

Speaker 1: 4:10

We were having one hell of a time It was a bonfire in the north.

Speaker 3: 4:17

A bonfire the north up at the point and it was rowdy and we were singing and dancing and hollering at the moon and Kayla we should have Kayla on some time.

Speaker 1: 4:28

Oh yeah.

Speaker 3: 4:29

Who is one of the most like, special into. she is a whole other level of a person. She's so special, she's truly a healer. Yes, she's a massage therapist and like what else is she healer? I think of Kayla.

Speaker 1: 4:44

Yeah, like she does lots of body work. It's not just like massage, it's like hardcore, like body work, recovery, healing, all kinds of modalities.

Speaker 3: 4:54

She's pretty special, but yeah, she she had just finished telling us About an alien encounter and story story that she had and I was so jealous and then all of a sudden someone was like what's that? And we look up in the sky and when I tell you the amount of joy, no, dude. I was there in alcohol.

Speaker 1: 5:21

Dude, she legit thought they were coming to get her. She's like this, is it? It's happening.

Speaker 3: 5:26

I was like I was so excited I think came over and I was like I was so excited, like I don't know. Maybe some people have been like Oh my God, it's an apocalypse, like this is the end, not me. I was like I'm here, come, like, come, get me. And then everyone was like no, it's just like some bazillionaires science experiment in the sky. Oh my gosh dude.

Speaker 1: 5:45

You were so bummed out, she immediately Googled it and then and then was just like, and I just unrelenting, just bitterness, anger. She wanted to write emails, started to go fund me against it. Like who, who just gets to decide they can go to space and just be up?

Speaker 3: 6:07

there. Yes, because I was picturing like the future of like advertising, like an ad up in space and we all have to like watch some ad for like.

Speaker 1: 6:16

Oh yeah, that's a bummer.

Speaker 3: 6:20

By this car. Ok, so that was crazy, but then we saw it. I've never seen it again since, except the second fucking retreat in Zion. We were all howling at the moon again As you do, i'm yelling.

Speaker 1: 6:37

No, i like it. Get passionate.

Speaker 3: 6:39

And here comes Starlink. And so, like, what are the chances of two different female retreats, two different bonfires where we're all just like loose and having a great time around the fire and fucking Elon Musk?

Speaker 1: 6:53

Here comes Elon's trail of satellites, just teasing you, just teasing you with their it's taunting really Like, look, we're up here and you're down there, little Rachel.

Speaker 3: 7:06

Exactly, and I'm like, why couldn't just like strap me to one of them? See, you'll have your day.

Speaker 1: 7:13

You'll have your day someday, i don't even know why?

Speaker 3: 7:15

How did?

Speaker 1: 7:16

we get started talking about that. I'm so sorry. How did we get going on that?

Speaker 3: 7:20

I'm sorry. Ok, i don't know.

Speaker 1: 7:23

Well, we were discussing how we are in love And we have been at retreats together like for an entire year this year, which is super fun And we are headed to another one. We are Surprise. Reluctant pilgrims strike again. We're going to a leadership retreat, so I get to see you in a couple of weeks and we get to see each other in person and how, at the moon and look for Elon's Trail of Tears, and it'll be a great time.

Speaker 3: 7:51

Oh, i can't, I can't wait. And this is kind of like well it's. You know, you and I had kind of committed to taking a break from retreats for at least the rest of the year. Only it wasn't even a burnout issue, i don't think. It was like we were just kind of we've been ideating on what we really want this to be like. We've tried a lot of things, we've done a lot of things and we've just been swirling on like what a final finished product of retreat looks like, which is honestly kind of silly when I say it out loud, because we always come with this agenda And then we pivot and we pivot and we pivot based on, like, what's happening with the group.

Speaker 1: 8:28

Totally Well. It's interesting too because, as we've sort of discovered this year currently and I've done no research to talk about this today but it seems like the retreat space has become very competitive. All of a sudden it went from like, oh, we're just kind of going to gather and do this thing. It feels really organic And we're going to. You know, i know people have been doing retreats all along. But like, all of a sudden, the demand and there seems to be sort of like an industry happening now And I think that we were both feeling like, where do we fit in? this, is this the thing we're trying to do? And like you know, like, because I really like keeping it like more organic and more just feeling like a gathering. So we're figuring it out and it's exciting and it gives us an excuse to hang out with each other in person and get on everyone's nerves.

Speaker 3: 9:25

Listen, if we see Starlink this time I can't argue. I don't know what I'll do. We got to call Jesse first of all, if it happens. You're the first on the list, Jesse.

Speaker 2: 9:36

I can't wait.

Speaker 1: 9:41

Dude, I love it. But going back to what you just said, I mean talking last week about self-care, I actually had a couple of people reach out to me and they were like, oh my gosh, I never thought about it that way. Kind of cool to like at least with a couple of people to like feel like they gave themselves some permission maybe to be more receptive to the idea of self-care, Because it's like, like I said, that whole thing about it being like a luxury thing only, you know, makes it kind of like a weird thing to allow if you don't have the means to like feel like you can participate. You know what I mean. And I think it's cool when people realize, like, actually, there's not a program you have to buy, There's not a spa day you have to like save up for. I mean, those things are cool, but the real work is not that stuff, you know, And, like you said, the actual point of self-care is self-love, And I think that that's what we're going to be talking about today.

Speaker 1: 10:38

We hear it all the time like you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else, And everybody I know who hears that literally immediately rolls their eyes. Yes, And I want to know why. That's the question. I want to know why. I know why. But I've also been on a weird like self-love journey for a while And I feel like, excuse me, in a weird way I hear me out. I'm going to try to articulate this and not take 500 years, but you guys know that's hard for me. You're hitting me with the crickets already Just to listen. Yeah, I really firmly believe that and this is, you know, me able to say this after I started my journey in 2014, is that I kind of have an unfair advantage. Being in a body that used to be 430 pounds and being like in this package, It sort of was an advantage to me on the path to self-love. And when I say that, people like think I'm crazy down.

Speaker 3: 11:37

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 11:37

Because that doesn't make sense to them And I think I've shared this before. But I think that being at that weight and having like being forced to be, to like live in that body in the world and have to show up, i really couldn't hide You know what I mean. Like a lot of people have a lot of different vices that they are able to hide, right, and sort of conceal and wear a mask and sort of like can get away with it their whole lives, right, because they sort of blend in. But when your vice is binge eating and your self abuse is something that shows up physically on your body, i couldn't hide from it anymore And I really I think it's a I call it a gift now because it really truly forced me to be like OK, i have to figure this out or I'm going to die. You know Like, i have to. There's no way around this. I have to do, i have to like I get one body, i get one chance. So now you know and of course I'm not, you know, in what some would say is an after body, i'm in a current body and love, you know, loving it. But it's been a journey And I think that one of the things that I've learned is that, like, actually people who present more traditionally attractive struggle way more.

Speaker 1: 12:52

And that's weird I don't know if that's controversial to say I'm like I feel like I sort of have had to like learn how to love myself, because this is what it is Like. I have to like you know, this is as good as it gets guys Like I mean, i'm fucking, i'm into it, i've worked really hard for it. But like, when you have been traditionally attractive, like that is something that you can rely on for, like a social buffer maybe, and then, if that starts to fail you, i feel like you're not prepared And I'm like realizing now that, like, not being traditionally attractive has been such a blessing because it's helped me to really truly learn to love myself and have a different confidence that I think other people struggle with. So what do you think about that?

Speaker 3: 13:43

Well and truly and like truly and you talk about this all the time too like truly loving and accepting yourself for who you are, your entire self. Because I get caught up on like oh yeah, i love the good parts And then you know going to all my shame spirals about the other parts, but like when you really love your entire self, regardless of income, relationship, body, followers. We've been talking a lot about social impact, too, and it's a deep connection that comes from the inside out, right? What's that? What's that quote that you?

Speaker 1: 14:25

have that we love. I'm not sure of what specific quote, but I know that for me, on my fitness journey, i talk a lot about like it being an inside out job. Yes, yeah, that's what I'm talking about And it's because that's the truth. Like you cannot like hate yourself into a body that you will someday love. It's not how it works. You actually have to start appreciating and loving like the body you're showing up in right now today, even if it simply is just okay, my heart is beating, my legs work.

Speaker 1: 15:03

I can, you know, grab things with my hands. That is taken so for granted, right, when we get caught up in this like hate shame spiral that we do that like. It really does have to like scale all the way back, like way back to basics, like bare bones is what I say, but more on that later. Special project in the works there, but little Easter egg for anybody who cares. But it really has to start like from the inside out if you want it to like actually last, like the behavior changes that you're making, the habits that you're putting into place and implementing Like it has to be. It has to come from a different place and that is so hard when we are so geared to look for the things we don't like about ourselves because we've grown up in a society that's marketing to us and advertising to us. I saw a tick tock the other day and I will link it to the show notes. Can we do that, jesse?

Speaker 2: 16:01

Of course we can.

Speaker 1: 16:01

It's so good because I want this creator to get credit. But I want to read this to you. It says I'm reading the closed caption of the tick tock because we are very technology savvy here. But she says I just want to remind you that when you speak negatively of your body in front of somebody else, you're also talking about their body, and at no point can you make negative comments about your body and not be inviting someone into a real time appraisal of their own body, right? And then she goes on in the caption to talk about how, like, just be aware And I cannot tell you how often that happens to me honestly People will be like oh you're, you've lost all this weight. You do so good, i admire you, you know working out all the time, and but you know me, blah, blah, blah, and I'm just like you know, i'm like 100 pounds heavier than you. What does that mean?

Speaker 3: 17:03

And for what we know about, like how our brain wires to, like how we speak to ourselves, matters. Our brain will remember that and wire. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1: 17:15

Like you reinforce that It will look for proof, right, because because of what you talked about last week about it trying to keep us safe, right. And so I think that because we have all I mean not to sound like you know, but we've all been sort of conditioned to automatically scan, like she said, a real time appraisal of their own bodies, and that specific wording hit me Like isn't that the truth? Like when you hear somebody talking and you just kind of immediately like go inward and start to like do your own inventory about, like that's crazy to think about, and I think that there's a secret hiding underneath it all. Right, when we talk about even fitness or all the spirituality stuff self care, self love I think there's a secret way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way deep down in our bones that nobody says, and that is that we all actually truly, deep down in our hearts, believe and know that we are all special. I think everybody deep, deep down, whether they say it out loud or not, believes that they have a purpose, that they are set apart, that they were born here for a reason, and nobody knows like how to say that without like sounding silly or feeling weird. So my favorite quote from Marianne Williamson as we embark on this, talk about self love and beyond right, because if you can't love yourself, you can't love anyone else. Right, we're a fucking pilgrim. She says our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. And I think that, right, there is the real conversation about self love because it kind of brings you to that place of having to be honest with yourself, like when you're a little kid. When you're a little kid and you're like playing and you're imagining all these worlds and you really believe stuff.

Speaker 1: 19:21

Little kids love having their picture taken. They do, they want to see themselves on camera. They love looking at pictures of themselves. At what point do they start going oh my God, no, i don't want to be in that picture. Oh my God, not my thighs. They learn that shit from us. We're not born that way. We are born knowing that we are something special, and then it's like we learn otherwise. What do we do, guys? What do we do? It's over. Thank you for listening to the Spill Your Gods podcast for these seven episodes. That's it. We wrapped it up.

Speaker 3: 20:04

I don't think I can talk about self love without talking about gratitude which also lines up really closely to love and joy for me, or joy in particular, but I always think tools for self love, because that's where my train of brain always goes. How do we make this actionable for people?

Speaker 1: 20:26

Yes.

Speaker 3: 20:27

And I always think about. It's as simple as gratitude. So daily affirmations. Do you know who has really gotten me into? that is Carla.

Speaker 3: 20:37

Oh yeah, she's going to be on our next episode? Yes, Because she. I had posted something because I was having. I had about a 10 day streak where my self love was very low And I'm nearing towards a strongman competition and so, per tradition of me competing in everything, I overthink everything and literally am trash to myself and have never done anything right in my life. Like that's what happens. It's a really fun time. Highly recommend training for something.

Speaker 1: 21:10

Can't relate, can't relate. I'm a three year old, yeah, great.

Speaker 3: 21:15

But she sent me I haven't I even saved it in my notes to like reread it, but she sent me this affirmation that like Read it. So it's super simple, which is why it maybe it wasn't even meant to be an affirmation, but to me, like affirmations are like a sentence, and if you're not sure like what they are, one I like to to either read them in my head, but out loud. Do you know what I mean? Mm, hmm, i started reading them out loud to myself because I also talked to myself a ridiculous amount of time.

Speaker 1: 21:49

Well, if you listen, to Louise Hayes book you can heal your life. She talks all about affirmations and why you have to read them out loud, which I talked about on our last episode. Guys Free Yes Audio book on YouTube. Okay, go.

Speaker 3: 22:02

So this is what Carla wrote. You fucking got this. You fucking got this. This is air. This is breathing. You don't even have to think about taking a breath or telling your heart to pump. It's innately in. You Get that shit. Woo, carla.

Speaker 1: 22:26

Dude.

Speaker 3: 22:28

Speaking my love language.

Speaker 1: 22:29

Right And okay. So if it's true what you said last week about how the brain will find ways to prove it's panic, then you are freaking out and telling yourself your trash before a competition. Is simply your ego and your brain and your nervous system trying to keep you safe from failure? Right, 100%?

Speaker 3: 22:49

100% to the point where I was like you know what I'm just going to, i don't need to compete, this is silliness. You know what did I even hire a coach for and train for for months and do all this eating and recovery, and like I was really talking myself out of it. Well, listen, wait, hold on.

Speaker 1: 23:06

I'm interrupting you. I want everybody to understand who's listening to us out there. Do you guys understand that? you just heard coach Rachel Prairie say those things? so it's not just you, right. Like it's like we all do this, we all suffer, we all self sabotage. And that reminds me of that thing I was telling you guys about. That whole thing about self sabotage, like, instead of it being like Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, i can't do this thing, let me figure out a way to get out of it so that I don't crash and burn in front of everybody. What if that discomfort, if you could reframe it instead of it being like everything's going to be terrible and I'm going to die into this is uncomfortable, because I have never taken up this space before And I'm just learning how to take up this new space, and that is what self sabotage actually could be. If you, if you like, flip the script the reframe the reframe it's so powerful.

Speaker 3: 24:07

So so powerful because, really too, when you're reading, writing speaking affirmations as far as I know and someone can tell me if they know different, but I am I actually learned too from my friend who's a coach, coach, katie Sutherland, i think she listened sometimes.

Speaker 1: 24:23

Hi, katie, She um says, speak it as if it's already happening, or like it already is Exactly Well because, from what I've learned, it's like you can say the affirmations all day but if it's not connected to emotion, right, it doesn't affect the like vibration of the thing you're trying to say. So you really have to start believing it, and a way that you can start believing it is by pretending that you are that person that's already done it. Do you think here's the big question, the big self love question? Do you think that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else?

Speaker 3: 25:52

Yes, i, i think it's possible to like simultaneously, like have both happen at the same time. I think it's actually harder to do because it's now you're managing two types of relationships one with yourself, one with somebody else or with other people. But I don't think because because I it was married for 15 years and like poor and didn't really have a whole lot of like standalone self love When I entered into it I was like, oh, do I even know what love is? Like it was, it was as if I had never experienced it before. So and so I? so I was thinking about, too, like man, what if I, if I would have understood that younger, or whatever? I know our life unfolds exactly how it should.

Speaker 3: 26:50

I'm just so curious if I would have figured that out younger which is why I love our podcast Hopefully the kids are listening, kids, so they're not sitting on the couch at age 40 yelling about Starlink. But like, what if I could have tapped into that sooner and really understood to be patient and kind and really listen to my emotions, right, like that's kind of another piece of self care, self love, even forgiving, like forgiving ourselves and being comfortable with ourselves. So I don't know, i think. I think it has to happen first, but I think it can happen at the same time. It just makes it a little more tricky.

Speaker 1: 27:35

For sure I I agree with you. I think that as far as like being in a relationship, i can remember like being younger and like you know, dude, i was like the girl that like never got a Valentine's Graham. You know, i never, i never got a candy. Grandma Valentine's Day. He, sons of bitches, never got a couple skate.

Speaker 3: 27:58

I was always Wait a minute because this bitch just got flowers delivered to her place of work, where her husband works, on her anniversary.

Speaker 1: 28:09

I know. So it was that for me or was that a flex to the other coworkers, we don't know. But but that's what I'm saying, though. I, like I kind of grew up, um, be, i, like you know, didn't have a boyfriend and I was like the chubby funny a friend, you know. And I, like you know, i assumed my role with vigor, you know, i accepted it and I was like, oh, it'll never be me, never be me, never be me. And everybody would always say that, Oh, you know, you just have to love yourself before you come up anyone else, and I I am.

Speaker 1: 28:44

I'm honestly just realizing, as we're recording this podcast, that I have a little bitterness around that phrase, i guess. So I got, when I got married, very young. It was because I was involved with church culture, and we've I've actually talked about this on a different podcast that Jesse and I have been on. So I'm sorry you have to hear this twice, but, um, i got super into church culture when I was um in like 19, and in church culture, you, you, especially in the early 2000s, you do not date, you didn't date. In fact, there was a very popular book in in that specific time called I kiss dating goodbye. That is very controversial Actually. There's a whole, a whole TikTok world about it.

Speaker 3: 29:32

Get it on Libby's library app No no, no, i don't.

Speaker 1: 29:36

I'm not plugging the book, i'm actually just. It's actually like a, it's like it's a.

Speaker 2: 29:41

Don't read that guy Mandy, you don't want that in the notes.

Speaker 1: 29:43

I don't want that in notes, but it was influential at the time for me because I was part of that culture and it was like, yeah, like you don't date to date, you know you wait, you're going to wait for, like purity culture, you wait for your spouse. But then what wasn't talked about was that everybody was like on this feverish, panicky, uh search for their spouse. So a lot of the times, like the first person you would need like even show an interest in who showed an interest back? hope, that's my husband. We're getting married because we want to have sex and we can't cause we're in church, right, and it's like was super intense and like no shade, no shade. Right, it's not the faith bubble I live in anymore, but it was at the time. And so when when I met Mikey and he like liked me, i was like no way, this is my husband, let's do this, let's friggin go. So technically I went from having no boyfriend, like literally just being the chubby funny friend forever and just like accepting that I was going to be like the single person forever, to getting married right away.

Speaker 1: 30:53

And I got married when I was super young. I was like 20, i think I was 21, 22 when we got married, but Mike is like the only person I've ever kissed. He's the only you know, the only person I've been with, girl, and I literally I'm telling you now we just celebrated, like you just said, my my anniversary. We just celebrated 18 years and it was like a lifetime and several thousand identities ago and I literally am so grateful because I don't know how we made it through like faith crisis, identity crisis, financial crisis, like all the things that we've been through together, and we are like marriage is one of my most important things and one of the things I'm the most proud of, and I and I'm so grateful for him.

Speaker 1: 31:40

But I know it's because of one thing I learned how to love myself and I stopped needing him to love me, and I think somewhere along the way, he also did that work.

Speaker 1: 31:53

We kind of did it separately, sort of like circumstances forced us to that, and then we ended up on the same page together, accepting each new version of each other that was showing up to the table, and so I feel really lucky. But now I understand what where that phrase comes from like you really can't love someone truly until you like understand, like loving yourself, and loving yourself is like accepting right all that stuff we talked about last week, the accepting, the compassion, the even going and and sort of spiritually, emotionally, mentally, like retrieving your little self and like re parenting and like reconfigurating, like your, your, your patterns and beliefs, and it's hard work. So when we talk about this stuff, this is like what we're talking about And it's it all comes back to this thing of loving yourself And I think underneath it all, it's because we really are afraid that we are special underneath and we don't know what to do with that 100%.

Speaker 3: 33:02

I even think about when, because you know it's interesting too is like I didn't really. I probably had like a couple of boyfriends before I met my ex husband. I met him the last month of high school. Really, yeah.

Speaker 1: 33:15

I didn't know that. I didn't know. You were like a senior in high school when you met him.

Speaker 3: 33:20

Yeah, like we, we was like literally the last month of high school that we met, wow And I like it was a great, actually it was a great relationship. We struggled at the end more over stuff that he had going on, but I remember when I moved back to like I literally left North Carolina, like left my whole life, left Brendan, left my dog with a suitcase, moved in with a friend and just like had a whole like resting period for about a year. Shout out to Kelly for taking me in. Thank you, kelly. And I would like to have another friend, melissa, and be like I haven't seen Rachel in three days because I was sleeping like I hadn't slept in my whole life. Wow, like all I did was want to sleep in retreat. But when I came out of that I feel I feel like my experience with love and self love was like almost like over the top, elevated, like everything.

Speaker 1: 34:19

Yes.

Speaker 3: 34:20

Like it was like I was high with love and then I had, and then that got really messy because I went right back into what I knew, which was like you give love to everyone, Do you like? love is pain.

Speaker 1: 34:35

You had to learn boundaries.

Speaker 3: 34:37

No boundary, yeah, yeah, because that wasn't love to me. That was. that was like restriction. Yeah, it was actually a blocker to love, yeah, it's a boundary, and went right back into it, had all these messy years with other relationships And then I was like, okay, clearly, love is stupid. It's not me, it's love.

Speaker 1: 35:02

Love is is first. It's not real.

Speaker 3: 35:05

Turned, i turned my back on it and you were actually there for a lot of them.

Speaker 1: 35:09

I was like listen bitch, come on back.

Speaker 3: 35:13

You and Christine. I was like love's stupid. I don't even think it's real. What's the point of all this bullshit? Well, because I hadn't like actually sat down and ever faced myself.

Speaker 1: 35:25

Oh but, there it is Do you think that, as our generation and beyond, like the, you know we love the zillennials on this podcast Shout out to the zillennials, they're going to save us Fuck shit up You guys?

Speaker 1: 35:42

Do you think that? Do you think that this like the work our generation has done? like we're talking about all this stuff and we can talk to other people our age, about the stuff? We're all using this language? We're all sort of like deconstructing from either church stuff or family stuff or society stuff, body stuff, like we're doing this work in one way or another. Everyone's talking this way. We are all understanding emotional intelligence and we're sort of sinking our teeth into this stuff, right, okay, do you and Jesse I'm asking you this too because we need, we need a man, we need a man's perspective. Do you and you guys already know I'm the old married lady, so I don't know. Do you think this affects dating and relationships and trying to like navigate that now in this climate?

Speaker 2: 36:34

Am I going first here?

Speaker 3: 36:36

Yeah, go for it, Jesse.

Speaker 2: 36:39

Am I on the spot right now? Jesse's ready. Okay, absolutely. I think it tests every time and it's kind of the internal battle on both sides that has to go through that, to not forget about themselves, because in the process of building a relationship I believe it's just natural inclination to forget about yourself, because it's just kind of like how protocol works.

Speaker 1: 37:05

Protocol. Well, a protocol is probably a bad word, but that's just a man word, that's a Virgo way to say it. Oh my God, we're wearing you down. We are wearing him down everyone. So you're saying that, so do you, now that you recognize that, is that something that you actively practice, noticing?

Speaker 2: 37:28

It's a daily battle, but, yes, i mean personally, i don't succeed every day, but I think I succeed the majority of the time.

Speaker 1: 37:37

Look at this, look in the wild. We have reached a emotionally intelligent man. Look, behold, he is a miracle amongst creatures.

Speaker 2: 37:50

Thanks for making me feel like an animal. All right, I'm going to take myself out so Rachel can answer this question now.

Speaker 1: 37:59

I was super impressed with that answer. Oh my God, okay, rachel.

Speaker 3: 38:06

Um, I think it has a big impact because I'm finding, as I move forward, I have to in a partner, I have to have someone who's going to give me space to keep working on this. And also like help me hold myself accountable because I will absolutely so easily fall right back into my old self, because that's what my whole brain and body is screaming, because we know it and we know it's safe and it's comfortable and familiar, even if we hate it, even if it's not healthy and we hate it right.

Speaker 1: 38:45

We sometimes just justify that old thing because it's like we know how to deal with it. It's a control issue, right? Yes, And every time I enter into a new relationship, even friendships.

Speaker 3: 38:58

Sometimes I have to be so self aware and so conscious that I'm not slipping back into that, because it will eventually kill the relationship. Whether it's like a romantic one or friends, Does it change who you find yourself attracted?

Speaker 1: 39:16

to both. Both of you, question for both of you. Absolutely Like doing this work.

Speaker 3: 39:26

I'm finding that because I value freedom and independence so much and I don't have like a final answer like I don't need to get married, i don't want to have babies, so like I'm also in a position to that, it's kind of hard sometimes to find someone that aligns with that, because they're also stuck in very like old world traditional ways of thinking about relationships. like the end goal is that's not a judgment, but just like that's just not for me. So it's a strange space to be in. but I do find that I'm very careful to like qualify potential partners where before I would just like give love and fan or fun and love bomb and like hope it, hope for the best.

Speaker 1: 40:21

Dude, that's so. listen, this is juicy and vulnerable And I'm like, hi, my story is boring, let me pick your guys brain. Well, i'm, i'm, i'm. I'm kind of leading you guys here for a reason, because we're gonna, we're gonna wrap it up here. but I'm really excited because in our next episode we're bringing our girl Carla on. She's done a really interesting sort of social project on this topic, about relationships and marriage and dating and divorce, like in the realm of faith and emotional intelligence and what we believe, and we're gonna have her on to talk about that and I'm really excited. So I just want to say thank you to you guys for let me put you in the hot seat for a minute.

Speaker 2: 41:04

I'm a producer, not a you will spill your guts on this podcast. Do you hear me?

Speaker 1: 41:10

I promise at times and then, in closing, we just want to thank you guys again for joining us and let us know, like, join the conversation. Do you think you have to love yourself before you can love someone else? Sound off, spill your guts, pop off. We want to hear from you and please join us for this next episode. It's one.