In this episode, our hosts talk about the unchecked culture that indulges negative behavior on social media.
Mandi references a fatal event in her neighborhood and the inconsiderate opinions that surrounded it. With this and many other ills in the world today, Mandi and Rachel try to find a way to deal with the psychological impact. This episode has triggers related to violence among minors.
▪ [03:25] The last episode ended with the conversation on finding ways to express our feelings because we don't know who will get impacted. Also discussed was the need to find hope in a gloomy world. Several events in recent times have increased tensions generally. Rachel has also started to try to figure out how to start changing the narrative for herself.
▪ [07:26] While a lot of people are now trying to heal and live without hurting, no one can truly claim to know everything or fully understand what is happening. Seeing so many groups claiming to have it all figured out is quite exhausting, rather, people need to accept that a lot of things make no sense. Mandi has been soul-searching to keep focused on what she believes in.
▪ [10:11] Mandi's neighborhood was the location of a stabbing recently between minors which involved the loss of life. This greatly heightened the pressure she had been managing already with general events in the world, especially with so many comments pouring out all around her concerning the incident.
Want a podcast like the "Spill Your Guts w/Rachel and Mandi" Podcast? Look no further! I'm Jpaddy from Paddybandwagon.com, your podcasting partner. DM or comment "blessed" on our Instagram @paddybandwagon, and you'll unlock a special offer exclusively for fans of the "Spill Your Guts w/Rachel and Mandi" Podcast. Together, we'll embark on a podcasting journey that will captivate and engage your listeners. Visit Paddybandwagon.com and let's make your podcast dreams a reality.
In this episode, our hosts talk about the unchecked culture that indulges negative behavior on social media.
Mandi references a fatal event in her neighborhood and the inconsiderate opinions that surrounded it. With this and many other ills in the world today, Mandi and Rachel try to find a way to deal with the psychological impact. This episode has triggers related to violence among minors.
▪ [03:25] The last episode ended with the conversation on finding ways to express our feelings because we don't know who will get impacted. Also discussed was the need to find hope in a gloomy world. Several events in recent times have increased tensions generally. Rachel has also started to try to figure out how to start changing the narrative for herself.
▪ [07:26] While a lot of people are now trying to heal and live without hurting, no one can truly claim to know everything or fully understand what is happening. Seeing so many groups claiming to have it all figured out is quite exhausting, rather, people need to accept that a lot of things make no sense. Mandi has been soul-searching to keep focused on what she believes in.
▪ [10:11] Mandi's neighborhood was the location of a stabbing recently between minors which involved the loss of life. This greatly heightened the pressure she had been managing already with general events in the world, especially with so many comments pouring out all around her concerning the incident.
Want a podcast like the "Spill Your Guts w/Rachel and Mandi" Podcast? Look no further! I'm Jpaddy from Paddybandwagon.com, your podcasting partner. DM or comment "blessed" on our Instagram @paddybandwagon, and you'll unlock a special offer exclusively for fans of the "Spill Your Guts w/Rachel and Mandi" Podcast. Together, we'll embark on a podcasting journey that will captivate and engage your listeners. Visit Paddybandwagon.com and let's make your podcast dreams a reality.
I.
Speaker 2:Kind of excited for this.
Speaker 3:Hey, it's such a familiar, comforting sound. Just let your shoulders bounce a little, hey, hey, hey, what's up? What's up? Welcome back to the spill your guts podcast with Rachel and Mandy. Here we are again.
Speaker 1:I'm already sweating. I have so much to say.
Speaker 3:I'm really regretting not going to the bathroom before we started. That felt very important to share, but it's okay. No, no, it's not gonna be a quick episode. Actually there's a lot going on. Listen, guys, i don't know if you're a resident on planet Earth, but right now, as we're sitting here in late February 2023, things are not looking great guys. Things are Real wild out there in the world. How are you?
Speaker 1:We said 2023 is our year, and we've just like and the universe is right here, like, oh yeah, remember that thing. Do you mean what you say?
Speaker 3:I know, take backs.
Speaker 1:I'm just gonna not put anything out there anymore, even though I feel like, even if you don't say anything, you think it. I'm like Oh, like I didn't mean it, i didn't mean to think that. I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3:I know, dang it. It's like, wherever you go, there you are. I'm like every single thing does not need to be a deep lesson. Can I just go to the grocery store Please, without like You know, like without you, but listen, no last time.
Speaker 3:So welcome back, guys, actually for this episode 2, season 2. We're out here, we're doing it, we're back in full effect. Last time we kind of welcomed each other back after the crazy holidays and we were both feeling the overwhelm. And I'm here to tell you I I hate to do this to you, but I got another way on me. I got another way on me for you, because I've been spinning for a couple weeks and actually I gotta do. I gotta talk to you about something kind of serious. So I'm gonna get a little serious for a second. But I Was thinking all day because I knew we were gonna record today And I'm like this is spill your guts. You know, like we kind of pride ourselves on being organic bitches up in here, like this is. For those of you don't know, this is not scripted, this is raw.
Speaker 3:This is on. Yeah, we are really doing this. This is just a real conversation We're having, and when people come on and join us, we just encourage them to be real and spill their guts and Pop off and run their mouths, just like we do. And so I've been talking a lot, or thinking a lot, rather, excuse me of How I was gonna talk about this today, because I know I knew there was no getting around it. But Let me set the stage.
Speaker 3:The past couple weeks since we last talked, you know, we talked about overwhelm and and the feeling of kind of like trying to find things to stay grounded. And You know like we kind of ended the last episode on like finding ways to like Express our feelings and that's like the point right to make the art and to like Do the things, because you never know who it's going to impact and like finding ways to continue to look for hope Right, in a world that, like every day, feels less and less hopeful. Right, and Since we've last recorded, we've had the train derailment in Ohio, we've had, i mean, several wild like UFOs, balloons, hallucinations, who, i mean it kind of went away. I guess You know like, oh, just casual. Yeah, just like could be aliens, could not like just low-key, like end of the world. Is it today? is today the day, don't know? and you like okay, and we're just gonna talk about it. Right? the elephant in the room, like we're all feeling it.
Speaker 3:I'm like I wake up and I'm like is today the day that, like the apocalypse happens? and then I can be like see, mikey, i was right, i wasn't just crazy watching too much dick dog, but but it's so weird because we're all living these double lives where we like have to still go to work and like contribute to capitalism and like Do what we have to do to keep paying our bills and like buying our you know, $10 eggs, and we're all like, yeah, it's fine, and we like act like it's fine, but it's not fine, right, and every single thing feels like a fire hose, just like coming at you, and we're all just like not supposed to talk about it. We're all just supposed to be like, yeah, world's weird, right. Like am I? how do you guys feel about that? You are, are you feeling this too?
Speaker 2:she's like.
Speaker 1:Think of it like a below The surface energy, like we all feel it, we all know it's there, we all wake up and like plug into the system, but and at the same time, we also like can't Escape it because this is how it is. And so the big, like the thing that I just keep. I've been writing a lot like trying to solve for myself, because I get real big with the, with the answers and the questions, like, okay, i'm gonna solve this for the world. I'm like what am I doing? I don't even like it here.
Speaker 1:And so I was thinking like, if this, if this is the energy and We know like the veil has been lifted and we know how the world now works, how do we carry on and like have hope and Even a little bit of happiness or be inspired or create like I really want to think about How to start changing the narrative for myself, because I it's not like I hope no one takes this is like a dangerous conversation to myself. It's just like, okay, i'm here and this is how it is and I can't do anything about it. So how do I Carry on?
Speaker 3:keep going. I Appreciate you saying that because, listen, and this could be a conversation for later, you know, but I get, i get kind of frustrated because there's a lot of people out there, a lot of camps, that like Claim they have the answer, and that is dangerous to me because at this point, who really knows anything, right? So if you, if when I encounter people who are like this is this is what's going on, and I have the answer, i immediately you lose me immediately. No, that's you know. I'm like that's ego. See ya, see you later. Bye, it's touching tips with like too many other things I've seen before.
Speaker 3:We know this. Yeah, i've seen that movie. I'm out of here, you know, but what, what, how do you? and look here.
Speaker 3:So here's the thing, guys Feeling all these existential ways, right, and feeling, you know, and we've talked about this like all last year, like leading up to this, and like these are the kinds of the themes We're Encountering and retreats Right, people are healing, people are digging up their stuff and we are, you know, we're also doing that, we're all, and we're like along for the ride with people and like we're all like feel like we're just trying to become the most Healthy, stable versions of ourselves so that, ultimately, we can live lives that don't Hurt anyone and continue to hurt our own selves. Like we're trying to find hope and meaning and purpose. Right, that's what this whole journey is about. Right, like try to figure out what all this is, and so, as and reach, i know that Brendan is older, but that doesn't mean you still don't think of him as Your child and as your as a mom. Right, like I have kids and I'm thinking okay, like I can't just like get bitter and let's Let all these things harden my heart.
Speaker 3:Yeah, this is my confession here. Guys, welcome to spill your guts. This is my spilling my guts. Your girls fucking tired. Okay, i'm fucking done. I do know. Again, not a uh could like a weird confession. Nobody should be worried about me. Like I'm okay, but also I'm exhausted With trying to with like dodging everyone's capital T truths everywhere, because who really knows anything? Like literally nothing makes sense. Okay, right, and I just like appreciate actually when people just say that, yeah, do you know what I mean? Like don't gaslight, things are not okay, but I cannot let it harden me and like just hide out from the world, which is actually what I really want to do, and I've been fighting against it, as all of you guys who are my actual friends know. But it's because I have to find a reason to believe in hope and things, because I have kids and who are literally just beginning to think about their future, and like I can't be like Hey guys, no point in that.
Speaker 2:Like none of this is real college Smollett. Nothing matters, it's all fake.
Speaker 3:Can't do that, listen, can't do that as a mom. So I've got to figure out something else and it has to be something real, because I refuse to fucking fake it and my kids know better. You guys know I can't do it, right, right. So I've been sort of soul searching, trying to figure out. Like I got to figure, like you just said, rachel, i got to figure out what I believe, what can I do to keep me focused on hope and on love and on this bigger thing that I really, i know is real, that I have to somehow try to cling to and believe in. And it's been a struggle.
Speaker 3:And I'm going to tell you guys, this last weekend it was kind of the cherry on top for me in Reno. Those of you who are listening locally, you know that there was an incident that happened this past weekend. There was a stabbing in Reno. I'm sorry, trigger warning Right. If anybody doesn't want to like hear about this news story, you can definitely pass on this episode But there was a stabbing here in Reno and it involved minors. It was a 14 year old girl and another 14 year old girl, and the girl who was attacked did not make it, she passed away, and this happened a few days ago. The hard part for me is that it literally happened across the street from my house. This was a, this was our neighbor, and I have been trying to process that It really was like, at this already super heightened stressful moment of like who's the world going to end this weekend.
Speaker 3:It's super Like. Is the, you know? is the capitalism really planning these spills Because people are so disposable that they can actually make money on like wiping out whole communities? Is that real? You know what I mean? Like I'm literally fighting with myself to like it's fine, you can be ignorant, you don't need to watch the news, we don't have to participate in that anymore. Right? Like I'm telling myself all these things, doing all the things I feel like I need to do, to like try to stay grounded, and then this literally happens across the street And I wanted to talk about it, not because I.
Speaker 3:I mean, there's a whole conversation. There's a whole conversation here that's happening locally about bullying and the responsibility of the school district and the responsibility of the parents and the responsibility of the community. And, oh, how will we're? you know this is look, the Facebook comments, the social media. It just hit the airwaves like a couple of days ago And which I was bracing myself for, you know, because a lot of people who actually don't live out by us like didn't really know it happened until it hit the news stations And now everybody's talking about it and everybody's got an opinion And all I keep seeing are these comments of where where's the parents? the parents should go to jail the parents this, the parents that, the parents this, the parents that, and you guys, i'm not okay. I've been like taking it super personally And the reason why I wanted to talk about it on the podcast was because I saw um, because I've been struggling and this is my podcast.
Speaker 2:And that's what this is for.
Speaker 3:This is like Rachel said this is better than therapy, but there's there's an interesting theme for me, as I'm you know we're I have a 14 year old daughter who's going to be a freshman in high school next year. This is the high school she will be going to. My son goes to the high school where this happened. There's layers and layers. The kids have information that the parents don't have. The parents have information, um, you know that hopefully the authorities have, um, the authorities have all kinds of information that they obviously can't share with us yet. It's a mess. It's an absolute mess. But what I wanted to talk about was this like culture we have on social media.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And I found myself really fricking, struggling, because I was obviously putting myself in the position of both parents having kids these exact same ages. I mean, literally in my front yard this happened and trying to make sense of it, trying to say and and do the right things that my kids need from us to feel safe and to and to process it and unpack it Right. And then all these comments right, we're about the parents I was taking so personally, because not saying that it's okay to like let your kid be a bully, or that any kid should be a victim of violence, and certainly that any child should ever die, i mean, i can't even wrap my mind around it yet. I don't.
Speaker 3:I think I might still be a little numb, but I just thought to myself how wild, how easy to just throw a comment out on the internet. And I'm thinking well, where are the parents? Art, art, maybe they're at a factory at five in the morning and not getting home till 7pm because they can't pay their bills right now. How dare anybody you know what I mean Just be able to flippantly throw out these judgments when people are more pressed and terrified and struggling and hurting and unsupported and without family and relationships falling apart everywhere.
Speaker 3:No community, no help. The bills you know piling up I don't know where, about where you are, rach, but here locally our power company has basically doubled everyone's energy bills. The groceries are doubled. I'm just like I'm not a hundred percent present all the time at my house. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I don't know. So I just I got really overwhelmed with that and just realized like how dangerous it is, because I just keep thinking about these families who are inevitably seeing all of these comments and everyone's opinions and just the fucking fire hose that we've created.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:You know, and we've been talking about this in a bigger way because of like TikTok and like should people have access like this quickly to information? and like can we go back to a different time where we didn't know exactly everything happening on every corner of the world, like as it was immediately happening? it's not good for us, you know, and then I see this happen, like literally right here in front of me, and I'm just like struggling with that. So I want to talk about that.
Speaker 1:This is so interesting because I don't know if you had a chance to read it, but I sent you. I love reading The Atlantic because it's a lot of like, like fact based stories told in a narrative, told from a point of view openly, like Hey, i'm a writer, this is my take on the thing.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And I don't know how I came across it. I've been on this kind of like mental health kick since the fundraiser that we did in Vegas to raise money for Green Bray foundations and their families, specifically like for mental health services, and something that happened there was that so many people attended that, like the I don't want to like not join them, but like the easy thing, like the party, the fundraiser, the food, the drink, get your cute outfit on. But the next day there was essentially like a workshop where there was small groups and panels where, like the same group is invited to come and like dissect this thing, and I would say hardly and hardly anyone showed up. So there was like hundreds of people at this other event and the next day a handful Right, and my beef with like mental health in this country is very similar to what we do when there's like a mass shooting or a school shooting.
Speaker 1:We're like, oh no, everyone gets all up in arms about everything and then it goes away And it happens again. So it's just like noise goes away and we don't actually do anything Which is similar for like mental health. Right, we're like call the number if you don't feel good, but like there are things that have led up to a phone call And we know that we see that, like that we can proactively check in with everybody like we just should be. And so I kind of like went on this rabbit hole and I've had like, oh, i'm so frustrated with social media. I popped off about it on one of our posts this week.
Speaker 3:I love it.
Speaker 1:Really encouraging people to like limit your time, because our brains do not know the difference. So when you're scrolling and you see a train crash, a stabbing, a puppy video, a grandma getting money raised for her so she can retire from Walmart because she has no money at age 90. Like it's just all happening and our brain has no idea And especially if you have even a little bit of like, empathy or a little bit of an empath, you literally feel it. You can't help it.
Speaker 1:Like you feel that grandma, you feel the bunny story Like you. It's just exactly, Exactly.
Speaker 3:Well, and the reason why I wanted to talk about thank you because, yes, because that that leans into everything we talk about here, which is, like, how do we care for our sense or nervous system, how do we, how do we take care of ourselves so that we're not in this constant state of anxiety, fight and flight all the time, like cortisol rushing through our veins, adrenaline rushing through our veins all the time. Like, we know this information, we feel it in our bodies, right, and we're like seeking mentally, emotionally, spiritually, like strategies and ways to cope right And heal. But this is where I'm going to get controversial, because at what point this work is internal, right, like, like we are, we can talk about these things, and people can go to retreats, people can go to workshops, they can go get energy healing, they can do all the things. But but really, like it is kind of a solo journey, right, and it is up to you to like kind of unpack and do your work Right, we talk about, we use all these buzzwords right in these spaces, but I wonder, like, at what point is it dangerous to hide behind like self-care and like, do you know what I'm saying about that? like, like, i think that there is a Realm of the spiritual space where people kind of like only want to focus on the positive, right and and we know, like you're saying like okay, we got to limit our social media time because this is like hurting us, being just exposed to this all the time, like that's not what I mean.
Speaker 3:I say avoiding like sensational, obvious things, like not marinating and tic-tac all day. That's a hundred percent, yes, right, but I mean like To a point where we've now like lost, we've become so internally focused in a positive way and a negative way, that We don't know how to be with people. We don't know how to be in relationship with people. People do not know how to have hard conversations without it being like defensive and storming away and writing people off. Because This is my boundary in my self-care, like at what point? like sometimes that has to happen 100%. Sometimes you have to cut a bitch from your life because that is what's healthy, but sometimes it ain't.
Speaker 2:You mind if I throw in a comment right now. I would love if you did. I'm starting to feel it's it's events like this that really test your self-care.
Speaker 2:Yeah and it almost when the reality of life all of a sudden hits you really know, or you start to analyze How much your self-care is actually working, because obviously it's the feeling you're feeling in the time. Going to Rachel's point, as far as social media, i Always tell myself social media is not reality and I have to tell myself that every day and that's why I Like I personally try to stay away from the comments. When I read about the story that you were talking about, i, i just read the story, because the thing is, is the people that are making those comments?
Speaker 2:They're not emotionally invested exactly the social media is a knee jerk Venue. exactly It's how you feel in the moment. There's no investment, there's no real Huge thought in the topic.
Speaker 3:So this is it. This is yes, completely.
Speaker 2:It's completely a false world and it's unchecked.
Speaker 3:It's unchecked. I sent Rachel a video earlier today. There's this lady and I would like to make sure that this particular video gets put in our notes because I want the original creator to get the credit. But, um, she was talking about how That the internet is. You know, like we all know it's the Wild West, right, like it's, and we all with our adult brains can go into it, knowing that, jesse, like, exactly like what you just said, like I, we have to engage with it because it's the world we live in, but like Understanding that it's not real and there's so many winsome things that are available through social media.
Speaker 3:Like, still, despite all of these grievances, there's still winsome Things that I'm really grateful I have access to because of social media. Do you know what I'm saying? Like things, people I'm learning from who I wouldn't otherwise have access to. You know, like there's winsome things. I'm not like hating on the whole thing, but there is an unchecked Culture that is affecting the real world and I believe that is what we're seeing, like this incident that happened in my neighborhood. You know this, allegedly it was, you know, a year of bullying or more that, and I don't know. They're doing an investigation on that and I really don't want to focus on the incident per se. But it's like here We are now, adults on social media, unchecked With how we're judging and throwing criticized, criticizing comments out there the very thing we are accusing the kids of doing.
Speaker 3:Absolutely and it's like have we all taken crazy pills? like, is this thing on? like I just want to scream and yell and I know that won't help. Like if I get into Facebook fights with people Like I'm just doing it too.
Speaker 2:It just makes it worse, right exactly, snowball effect.
Speaker 3:So so the video I sent Rachel earlier. She said it was completely talking about something else. It was this other, complete, different topic, but she said that that everybody goes through a loud and wrong phase. When you're, you know, in your 20s, maybe your late teens for some of us, you know, it's still flares up in their 40s. I can be, i can be loud and wrong, i know it. But but what helps you mature? what when you're in your loud and wrong phase? right? She gives the example that, like developmentally, you know, when you're 10 years old, you hang out with 10 year olds. You know it's your family. You go back home, to who you might have older, younger, siblings, there's multi-aged people in your house and your parents correct your ass and then send you back into the world And then when you, you know, when you need correction again, they do it again right. So when you're in your 20s, you're, you're a young adult, you are in your loud and wrong phase and it's up to, like your peers And your world to correct you When you're wrong.
Speaker 3:Except for the internet, that's not happening. People go unchecked and if you challenge something, somebody says like some. If somebody says something stupid, that's clearly Ridiculous and you call them out. They just all your hater, yeah. And so we literally have an entire culture that is unchecked and they're not being corrected to like go back out into the world and be like a Member of society that knows how to listen. You don't know how to eat shit, because you're not. People don't know how to admit when they're wrong, and then people also don't know how to, with love, say hey, you're wrong. Because We're scared to, we're scared to tell people the truth, it face to face, so we say it on the internet in crazy ways that nobody takes seriously.
Speaker 2:I Don't know that's called the term keyboard warrior.
Speaker 1:And in that article, i think it was, i think the title was something like why are teenagers, teenage Girls in particular, like more sad and depressed than ever? And there was like a couple different theories, but the main one was social Like I think it was, i something like almost 70% express like depression, 33% thoughts of suicide. And there was another statistic that, like the majority of people who hop on and I completely busted myself by doing this last night That the people that hop on are doing so in a state of anger, they have something to say. They don't know how to process the emotion. They don't know how to sit with it Yes, don't know how to work through it.
Speaker 1:Yes, they go on and share it, looking for their echo chamber to reinforce the feeling, which is exactly what it less Mike's. I got really pissed off at these three little fit influencers in my gym. I'm taking up the whole gym, putting everyone in danger while we're working out, and I like couldn't handle it. They're in there every day with their tripods shooting every exercise, changing outfits, no, and I stop. I Couldn't do it until I. The second I got out of the gym I was on my story, like am I wrong for hating on these girls? and then Again Enforced, yeah, the thing I was feeling. And then my friend Jessica I don't know if she listens, but shot out, checked me and she was like you're fucking 40. Why do you? Why are you letting these little boo?
Speaker 3:There it is. But see, that's why I flex with you, rachel Don, because you can't admit that.
Speaker 1:Yep same exact thing I wanted to do today, literally same, exact just today.
Speaker 3:I wanted to do it. Just today, i wanted to do it. I knew exactly the person I could text. He was going to Back up what I was feeling in the moment about another situation And I I wouldn't let myself do it. I go no, no bitch, we're just gonna be uncomfortable.
Speaker 3:Yeah we're just gonna sit with it, we're just gonna let it be uncomfortable, and let me tell you I Love that. You just shared that, by the way, because that's real dude. I was so because you're fucking tripod out of your cake it over right now. But, when they changed outfit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, i was done, i was like no.
Speaker 3:But right, like, but. But your friends, right, right, like. If we I mean I agree with you, i, i would have responded the same exact way, if not worse. But she's right. And if we believe in, like what we say, which is like make the art and express yourself and find things to be joyful about, isn't that what they're doing, etc. Like. I get that. I was fully spiraling today getting ready to come record this, because I was like, okay, am I gonna be able to talk normal when not talk about this? like I'm gonna have to talk about this. This is what's happening in our life. That's why we do this. And I'm gonna tell you what people keep checking in the past couple days, because now it's on the news and blah, blah, and they Know that my kids, you know, whatever people are checking in and everybody's like Oh my gosh, are you okay? And my answer Continually has been I'm not sad, i'm fucking furious.
Speaker 2:Hmm I.
Speaker 3:I'm furious, not just even about this. If I'm being honest. I'm fucking pissed that any of this has, that. Any of this is going on Like. I'm pissed that I have to go to work. I'm pissed because I know what I do every day and the people that I work with every day are literally breaking their backs so that someone somewhere can have an empty fucking vacation home that they see twice a year. Do you know what I'm saying? And I have easily allowed myself to become bitter about some of these truths.
Speaker 3:I'm not going to say it's because I chose my word of the year as faith, but it also is that so inevitably, all these paths come sort of back to this theme for me in my heart, because I'm then like, well, fuck this, this is bullshit. So so we're all just here to suffer so that some people can have a great time. Doesn't sound like a great plan to me. Sounds like this is all bullshit. Well, you can't go home and tell your kids that when they're in grief. So I have to, like, get my shit together, right. So I'm at the factory doing my thing today and I'm writing my little notes as they come up and I'm texting Rachel crazily All my thoughts and I know that we're gonna record tonight and I'm really like, okay, all right, universe.
Speaker 3:I don't know what to do with this anger that I feel. I feel this bitterness, this hardness of heart, and I don't know how to go beyond a podcast talking about how to be real in your spiritual journey and not talk about it, because this is the real stuff. So this is the truth. I was fucking bitter. I've been bitter, i've been struggling through bitterness. Everything that I get shown back in the world is just mirroring back to me This theme I refuse to let go of and that's the truth. It's me once again Scooby-Doo, ending Everyone.
Speaker 3:Now I say that, man, i say that jokingly, right, because I know that I'm the one choosing what to focus on in, like my experience, reflex, that, etc. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but also not because this is the world we live in and these things are really happening, right, and I'm sort of in my head and I'm working and I'm you know, and I had a little download and I and I wanted to share that with you guys. So, and literally I do not, you guys all know, if you've listened for a while, you know I work with my husband every day. We go to lunch together. We don't work in the same department, but we go to lunch together and today I just really, you know, i let him have my 25 minute long monologue of how the world is terrible and nothing matters, and you know, just a real bright spot in his day, every day, where I just like remind him of all the things that like are terrible and why do we have to be here, and then like, oops, sorry, i did it again, whoopsies, and then went back to work, i was like I really stopped doing that, like I gotta figure out a different way, like that's not fair to Mike because he's already got his own problems, and I'm like blah. So I'm working through it, working through it, working through it and I legit, i legit like set out loud. I was like, okay, god, all right, change my heart.
Speaker 3:Then I don't know how to deal with this. How do I deal with this? how do I not give up? literally, it sounds like, as I'm telling you guys this now, i sound so obnoxious and ridiculous because there's truly so much more happening in the world than this. I am so incredibly lucky and grateful and I really mean that I'm not just saying that, because it's like the thing you say. I'm genuinely telling you the truth, like I know better, like I have hard things, yes, but not as hard, not even close to what other people are doing with, and I know that. Right, but this is how it feels in my body.
Speaker 3:So I'm legitimately having this like Lieutenant Dan moment, like waving my fist, you know, as I'm in the storm and I literally I'm like how do I not give up? and I hear in my little god ear ask people who don't look like you. And I all of a sudden have this entire moment of humility, because it is my privilege as a white woman in America that lets me clutch my pearls and be alarmed at the state of things happening. Like, how dare I? you know? I'm saying there are marginalized people, generations and generations and generations and generations of people who have been living under distress and peril and unfairness for more years than I've been alive and have found incredible ways to fight and not give up and not let it harden their hearts. And I was so. Oh, my god, i'm a cry, cry because it was so real and it like was exactly what I needed to.
Speaker 3:Like first off, snap me out of my like, my despair train I was on, but also remind me of like how important the work I say with quotes is.
Speaker 3:It's not just about getting to know yourself and like, finding ways to truly love yourself and accept yourself and forgive yourself, but it's then learning about, like, where you come from, your ancestors, the people around you.
Speaker 3:You know, when I heard that, i heard that dude ask people who don't look like you. Like, can you imagine the generations of people of color, indigenous folks, hispanics? you know our black community, everybody, the gay and lesbian trans community, everybody who's been marginalized and treated unfairly and under distress and I'm, like you know, film some type of way about stuff like no, i was, i was checked, and I'm so grateful that I was able to receive that in the way that I believe it was intended today and I wanted to make sure I shared it because I think sometimes in this space it's a danger to be in leadership and not let yourself get checked because I was wrong. There are generations and millions of people who've gone through way worse and have found like reasons to not give up and feel like all is lost, you know, and so that kind of changed my mind today and helped me kind of dig out of that a little bit. And I don't know where.
Speaker 1:I don't know where I'm going with that, but I just feel like I had to share it well, i mean, here we are, then, both trying to figure out how to like move into this space of hope or creation or something else. I don't even know if we have a word for it yet I think about, like, when I was really stuck in anger, which you witnessed, a lot of things, things pal for hanging in there with me well, i'm gonna need you to return the favor, girl, cuz I feel like a rabid feral animal.
Speaker 1:That's what I'm resonating like, i'm, i'm being pulled back to that moment, especially when I went through like some therapy and when my therapist said like, oh, like happy isn't the goal? like, be angry, feel all the feelings. That is that's being human, like the whole spectrum, all of it. Yeah, like we get to feel angry and anger can be a very intentional tool. Yeah, that it can move you into action. And I was stuck, i was not acting, i was just raging. I was raging everywhere in person, online, in my head, in my body. I was sick, like, and until I started realizing that man, like this, this, i can use this, i had to first learn how to regulate my nervous system because I couldn't act when I was so pissed.
Speaker 3:Exactly, yeah, exactly yeah, yeah, because then you're reacting out of that and it's, like you said, honestly okay. So this is the magic of our podcast. This is why it is therapy right here. Right, cuz we do not plan this, you guys. But here comes a full circle moment right here. You had shared that.
Speaker 3:You noticed that people just use often, will get on social media when they're angry, when they need to vent, and how and that's what I was seeing, right, and all those comments people are just like because people are feeling the exact way I am. People feel people feel out of control right now. I don't care who you are, i don't care who you are like it stretches beyond demographic class, anything. People are scared, people are freaking out. We're not okay. Like that's the elephant in the room, like we're all pretending, we're all really hanging on, we're really hoping. It's like a phase, you know, i keep like telling myself all these things like well, my grandparents also, the world we're gonna was gonna end at that and and they got through that and this is just our thing and I'm like no, like it's real, it's real. But these people that are so pissed at for like making these judgments and like how could you like presume to know any of this and you just throw these things out on the internet. It's because we do not have community. People are not being seen in their anger. They don't have anywhere else to put it. That's why. That's why people so desperate to like be seen and heard.
Speaker 3:I was at a thing a couple weeks ago, like a spiritual like thing I was at and and you guys know, like I shared before I would, i've been kind of reserved. The past couple months. I've been kind of keeping my stuff, you know, a little more inward. I've been working through some things and so I was in this group setting and it was getting, you know, the conversation was getting a little more, you know, meaty and intense and you know that's about when I like to jump in when things get real weird and and I started to say I started to feel myself open up in the moment and I started to say the conversation was about like letting your voice be heard and letting yourself like not hold back right, and I started to share That. Yeah, the past couple weeks, while I've been at work, i've really just like the thoughts I've been having.
Speaker 3:The thing I really want to say out loud that I don't feel like I'm allowed to say out loud is that I'm owed some goddamn fucking apologies. Like I have really reached a point in my healing journey where, like you just shared, rachel, where I'm fucking mad And I'm thinking about all the ways that I have swallowed truth For somebody else to be comfortable. I'm thinking of all the ways that I have withheld the telling my side of the story and several different instances be an integrity and not really truly not want to like Talk badly about someone else and like be the bigger person, blah, blah, blah. I don't always get it right. I'm a fucking asshole sometimes, a lot of times, to be honest But I really do try. I really am trying to like do these right things right, and I start thinking about all the ways that I have like accommodated or withheld or Didn't give myself what I needed so that I could provide something for someone else, and, of course, it's like never reciprocated Right, and I started to share in this space that, like I'm at a point where I'm fucking pissed about it. I'm owed some goddamn apologies. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking about all day.
Speaker 3:And I was with You know, and it was a conversation with, with other people, it was a group setting and and Somebody kind of cut me off. It was like, oh, like stopped me Just as I was getting going. I didn't even explain as much, as I was just explaining to you guys, but they like stopped me and they were like well, you know, it's actually you that you owe the apology to, like you're the one looking for the apology from you, and I just completely just deflated in the moment. I just was like, yeah, yeah, you're right, yeah, that's it. I'll think about that, i'll journal about it. Fuck off, i just completely shut down and I did walk away and think about that. I was like well, is it me? Why did it do? was that my ego that got mad just now when that somebody like told me the truth and I need to like Kind of sit with that and investigate that a little more and try to understand why that bothered me so much. Or Is it because, when I finally felt the fucking freedom and safety in the moment to say how I felt, i was shut down? What's true? If I'm being honest with you guys, it's the latter, and The more and more I think about it, the more and more I'm like we don't know how to be in community.
Speaker 3:We're gonna talk about this in in some upcoming episodes but there is an epidemic of people going no contact with their family. People do not have relationship with their family. People And and and rightly so in some ways, right Like boundaries are being made, people are starting to care about their mental health and they're making the changes they need to make to, like, create for themselves a life that is not a constant anxiety attack like these are all the things we've been talking about, right, but at the same time, we don't know how to be. We don't know how to be together. We don't know how to sit and let somebody be angry and be like be angry bitch.
Speaker 1:It's. It's it's we. We just had started this conversation with our Our retreat, our upcoming retreat about how to hold space. It's one of the most uncomfortable things that we can do and we're out of practice. Some people have never even experienced it Happening to themselves. They don't even know, like, when we say hold space, what that even means. Yeah, but I I was working on this project at work and We went. We went around and around on what we were gonna help the the new, young, fresh trainers you know Out in the world. Like what do they really need help with? like, should we teach them how to swing kettlebell? Should we teach them how to breathe? and like all the conversation was swirling and swirling and swirling and I kept Hearing the theme. Like we actually need to teach them, like, how to be human. Yeah, sit and look someone in, the have eye contact.
Speaker 1:That's what I'm saying as questions, hold a conversation, hold hand, like That was the skill that was missing in all this stuff. Like why our stuff? like why isn't our stuff working? I'm like because We don't. We don't do that anymore. It's. It's really bizarre and it's so interesting because I think back, like when I wrote my like college whatever thesis paper to graduate in in one of my communication classes I like she studied like a bunch of media and marketing and I I came out of it like predicting like the future will be. We. We don't even know how to read body language.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, we are the majority of our conversations take place, and so a lot of young people don't know what it means when people like furrow their brow Or like hold their breath or like elevate their shoulders or smile like they, it's like we don't know where. Weird little Yeah don't aliens don't, are you? Oh, my gosh dude See that's what I was.
Speaker 3:That's what I was saying. This is why people don't hang out with us. Rachel, we can't. We have no chill. We have no chill. Every conversation is this deep, or I don't want it okay.
Speaker 1:But that's so true though, yes, where you and I are, act that's.
Speaker 3:Take it or leave it everyone.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry You got to come with the aliens and the holding space and all the topics are like I've talked about this, like can we even go out with like Acquaintances and have a good time? I barely can do that anymore.
Speaker 3:Dude, i feel like I cannot. I Feel like I cannot, and you just said something so important a minute ago. It's and, and I and I have, i have a little bit of a fucking beef with the spiritual community. I kind of do. I'm I'm a little bit struggling at where I fit in that right now, because, because, coming out of church culture, a real Rigid church culture, which I've shared about before, sometimes I feel like it touches tips a little bit. I'm not trying to be vulgar, but I just that's the way I feel and I and I get nervous because I'm like na na na.
Speaker 3:I've seen this movie, dude, and I feel like you know the pendulum swing. You know if it goes way over there. It's like you know. I appreciate, like you know, conversations about ascension and vibration and and and and believing in manifesting is like You know, and wanting to like really focus on these like beautiful Dreams and things that we want in our lives, and I believe in all that I there is a place for that, and like a place where what we focus on grows and where the mind goes, energy flows, like all that's real, that is all real, but that's also like you not being embodied, it's like. It's like another way.
Speaker 3:People are trying to not be in their fucking body in their life on this earth right now. It's like more focus on, like trying to get out of here instead of like The original pursuit, which is how can I be, how can I have a radical Acceptance and radical honesty of right now, because this right now moment is all there is. That's the only thing I know. That I know is real is right now, and you can't say that Sometimes because people are like cool man, he's lost it. I feel, and I feel like you know, hey, that's pretty much it, so we don't ever have to have a podcast again. All right, that's it.
Speaker 2:Please know the end.
Speaker 3:I like you guys, but I but what you just said it's like being human is Is the spiritual practice Right? there's a documentary you can watch on YouTube. I think it's free. I'm I don't want to quote this wrong. I think it was produced by the same author who wrote the secret round a burn. Perhaps I forget. I'll look it up later. Sorry, jesse, i know it's like not great research for as a podcast professional, sorry, because I'm just living off the you know cuff here, but there is a documentary I watched a few years ago and it's called the Moses Code and And it's talk it's talking about.
Speaker 3:There is a for those of you who are you familiar with the Bible, there is a, a book in the Bible called Exodus and it's the story of Moses, and There is a story in there where Moses is kind of like the first human being to interact with God in A like tangible way. right, he has this moment on Mount Sinai, and I'm super Like using my own verbiage here, so please, nobody come for me, this is a very hard paraphrase, but Moses has led to this mountaintop to have a literal mountaintop experience, like meet God, and God's like hey, listen, i'm actually too intense for you If I just like, let you see me fully. It would burst your body into pieces. So we can't. We can't do that. So I'm gonna need you to like turn around, face the the stone wall of this mountain and I'll walk behind you. And So in this Bible story, that's what happens, right? And? and then Moses turns around and he's like Illuminated by being in the presence of God. And then there's like a whole burning bush situation and Moses asked God Well, what is your name?
Speaker 3:and the name given in Scripture is Yahweh, and for I mean Years and years and years, people weren't even allowed to say that or write it out loud, because it was considered so sacred and So special, like they couldn't even say the name of it. I, right, but as it's translated in later versions of the Bible, that name is translated into I am that, i am Right, famously quoted by Charleston Heston in the Ten Commandments Right, i am that, i am. It's like the ultimate like God answer Like oh, what's my name? I am, that's my name, i just am Right. And I'm joking right now. I probably shouldn't joke about Scripture. I upset people. But the whole point of this documentary is to say that there's a comma there in the Scripture It's I am that comma, i am. And the scholars that basically created this documentary are investigating the possibility that actually God was saying not I am, i am And that's my name. So like stomping around in his work, boots, energy, but it's more like no, i am that comma, i am also that comma, i am that comma.
Speaker 3:I am that comma? It's I am that, i am like, i am you, i am me, i am everything Right, and that makes more sense to me. I don't even know why I brought all that up, literally. I don't know why I brought that up at all. I would have to go back and like retrace my steps because I just got real passionate about that for no reason. But it's like literally all that we have is right now And we, i remember. Now it's because we are all connected.
Speaker 3:Like that is the thing that we're all trying to run from. Is our humanity, right? The things that scare us, you know, are the things that are like different than us or things we don't understand. But if we could just like come back down into this body, in this reality, in this moment, and like connect with our humanity and open ourselves to connecting with each other, that, i think, is where God happens, that's, that's the healing thing, right? Why do we go to therapy? so we can like learn and try to, like you know, understand why our parents did what they did or why we, certain things happen to us in certain relationships, so that we can forgive and move on and blah blah. It's like the theme there is humanity. Like what is forgiveness other than being able to see yourself in someone else and be like I?
Speaker 1:understand, in all these truths, going to truth, that we experience, like that's really the only thing we can hang our hat on, like we can't prove or disprove anything other than we know, there is this connection And that's what we were created to do.
Speaker 3:That's it. I am that comma, i am Right, so I can't be scared of it if it's me.
Speaker 1:Listen, you know I'm not a whole religious.
Speaker 3:You know I'm not. I'm trying not to be either but.
Speaker 1:but I really appreciate that explanation. It's just like it's the same thing as me saying we are the universe experience in itself. Yes, the same thing, it's all the same.
Speaker 3:Well, and it's a pretty big fucking comma, right, if that's truly you know, and I'm not trying to get a whole like sidebar conversation about, like the inerrancy of scripture and all that, like that's a whole different world that I'm just not interested in. Right, i've seen that movie too. Lots of, lots of hands have had their fingers in that whole thing, right, but? but if that is true, then that honestly gives me hope, because I, that is what we feel Like. Why do we give a fuck when we watch a movie where we watch somebody struggle and overcome? It's because we're human.
Speaker 3:That's the thing, that's the thing, that's the sauce, that's the, and we're constantly trying to run from it and get away from it and elevate ourselves out of it and buy our way out of it and buy ourselves into a comfortable setting and buy ourselves into a neighborhood where tragedy is not happening across the street, and want to escape, escape, escape and not be in it. But, like, that's where God is Right now. In the now, there's nothing to sell, there's no, there's no program, there's no three steps to freedom. It's right now, that's it. You're human, you're alive, your heart's beating, you're connected to every other person, thing, living thing that has a breathing membrane, a cell of anything. Thank you for attending my TED talk. We'll see you next week.
Speaker 2:I had to do it once. I appreciate that, so what?
Speaker 3:we'll do this is kind of a heavy episode. I kind of took you guys for a ride. Thank you for holding space for me. Thank you for connecting to me as my humans and my tribe. I appreciate you.
Speaker 2:Can I say one thing, please do. I think we've learned from this episode. Repression and restraint isn't necessary all the time. Getting it out helps.
Speaker 3:Amen, jesse, that you heard it here first folks.
Speaker 1:You want to get your shit out? Call Jesse up. Start a podcast podcast.
Speaker 2:Only certain individuals have the guts to spill their guts on a podcast like this.
Speaker 3:Oh my gosh, thank you. You know what I'm going to. let that be the perfect place for us to to end. for those of you who hung in with us this long and didn't get bummed out and totally start listening to Harry Styles instead, which I probably would have done, thank you. It's a heavy topic and we appreciate that you guys like care about joining our conversation. That's all. This is like Rachel and I don't have the answers right, like we're just simply doing this thing and trying to help each other work through it and like inviting you guys to join along, and so please join the conversation If you're feeling weird to know that you can always slide into a DM and that you have other humans on the other side who are just freaking out also and we don't have any answers. But we love you.