10-Post-Retreat Reactions

In this episode, our hosts discuss the post-retreat experience that often comes with a form of depression after such a climactic event.

Rachel and Mandi share their views around the idea of pursuing happiness or other goals that people use to define their purpose in life, referencing personal lessons from experience and how this relates to their current life themes.

• [02:58] After their last retreat, Rachel and Mandi had "post retreat blues", feeling generally down as Mandi found herself struggling all week long with different activities, and Rachel also felt depressed. However, sharing the way they felt helped them feel better.
• [11:50] So many other people also have shared that they have been feeling the heaviness, and Mandi relates it to the current Scorpio season which has a collective energy that affects everyone. Learning more about it she discovered that Scorpio season is known for helping you plunge into your shadow self, it involves a lot of death and things being released out of people. People who are more in tune with these energies might observe this more and can be better prepared for it. 
• [15:30] What would the theme of this eclipse season be for you, and how is that showing up? For Rachel, she has been put in a place to slow down after getting overwhelmed by taking up too many responsibilities. Very often, the effect of this shows up in her health too. Hence, the sadness she felt recently was the universe protecting her from external stressors by getting her to take time to go inward and recharge.
• [20:36] Contrary to the popular idea of pursuing only happiness in life, Rachel strives to experience all emotions. The idea of positivity is largely propounded by the spiritual community but that pursuit is not healthy especially when some of the best work is down in the shadows, where other emotions must be experienced. 
• [25:00] For Mandi, her theme in this eclipse has been revisiting how she shows up in her relationships, to assess if it has been serving her, which it hasn't. She has had to face the reality that her decisions and expectations have led to many of the disappointments she felt.
• [27:49] Mandi has had a falcon in her workplace for a while now, and decided to find out its meaning; the falcon appears as a spirit animal and a guide in your life letting you know that opportunity isn't far behind. The falcon's message is to start planning and sit in the seat of your power. Based on this, Mandi understands that the more she takes ownership, the more she can create better boundaries and keep truly valuable relationships.
• [31:52] A question from a listener; "how do Rachel and Mandi fit all their activities into their schedule?". Although Rachel has no pressing family responsibilities, she often takes up roles that keep her busy and so she has a board where she prioritizes things that are important to her which she devotes her resources to. Also for Mandi, having to deal with work and family life, is a struggle and is not as easy as it seems. 
• [39:16] Driving factors in life; Happiness vs Purpose? Rachel does not intently pursue happiness as the purpose of life because she believes there is no single fixed purpose to life. Mandi previously believed in a single purpose to her life but experience has taught her that such an idea was false; it held her back from expressing

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:05

Why is it funny every time? I don't know how hard it is, I want to just like. There it is. Yo yo yo, Spill your guts. What's up? Episode 10? Yep, Oh my gosh, we're in the double digits. We made it. How did we get here? First off, I'd like to thank me. Episode 10, how have we felt? 10 hours of things to talk about that people care to listen to.

Speaker 2: 0:44

They're hanging in there with us.

Speaker 1: 0:46

I love it. Thank you so much If you are out there and you are listening along. We love you.

Speaker 2: 0:57

We need to talk about Doomsday Lullaby today too.

Speaker 1: 1:02

I just reminded me of it, doomsday Lullaby We're letting all you guys know all of our secrets at all times. It's pretty funny actually, because I kind of forget some of the things we've talked about on here and then like people who listen remind me and I'm like, oh yeah, i guess I put that on the podcast. Weird, sorry, send it. It's authentic. Everyone Hashtag. Authentic, no script. Are people still using hashtags? I think I asked you that the other day and you never responded to me.

Speaker 2: 1:40

I think they are Are hashtags still a.

Speaker 1: 1:42

Thing.

Speaker 2: 1:44

They're still a thing I don't know. Instagram keeps changing it's algorithm. I don't know what's going on on TikTok.

Speaker 1: 1:51

Oh, yes, it's the Wild West out there. This will be my last question on the show. Are we on TikTok? We are not on TikTok yet, but we should be Dude. listen, there's some wild stuff that goes on out there on TikTok and Let's talk about that in a little later Future. Welcome back everybody. If you ever make it past our initial banter, bless.

Speaker 1: 2:17

That has a prominent role in episode 9. In episode 9, there's a lot of that joke. I'm still not over it. I'm still not over it. Well, if you are joining us, if you're listening in order, if you're not, i'm real sorry because none of this makes sense. but we talked last time about our trip to Arkansas. We did our first leadership retreat. that was coed, and we were so excited to share and recap on that. Now we are back in the real world in our post-retreat blues. Everything else we were planning on talking about is out the window, because we thought it would be important to talk about the reality of post-climatic events and the impending doom that follows. Just general depression, all the planets and whatever thing they're doing.

Speaker 2: 3:19

What else I don't know why, when we talk about depression, i laugh. I don't know. Mental illness, that's not hilarious. but like, what can you do? You know you can't laugh at it. You can't.

Speaker 1: 3:39

So let me set this up, because so we get back from our trip, it's like back to the real world. All the sweet tart ropes are gone, we finally caught up on some sleep, got hydrated, again, back to work and I found myself struggling so hard all week long. What is this day that we are recording? What is this day? It would be November 2nd, okay. So, depending on when you're listening to this, just know that we are recording this on November 2nd. So this past week, halloween weekend my daughter's birthday was over this weekend, so I had a. I know she does get a little cheer, she's the best.

Speaker 2: 4:25

She turns 14.

Speaker 1: 4:27

She is the coolest, she's like little grunge girl. So she turned 14, so we did like birthday festivities all weekend, so I rallied for that. But I'm telling you, i feel like I was struggling so hard all week like down in the depths of despair, to where I was like truly wondering if I had done like any actual work on myself all year and was like questioning everything and just spiraling deeply. It just, it was just real. My husband was like are you okay? I think he was like starting to get concern And I finally checked in with Rachel last night and I was just like hey, dude, how you doing?

Speaker 2: 5:06

To which you said I'm depressed, and we laughed And I was like, oh, thank god, i can't stop crying.

Speaker 1: 5:20

And I was elated, i was thrilled. Respectfully, i'm not happy that you're sad, but thank god Plus, and once we like got it out there with each other that we were both like struggling, it just like first off instantly was like just kind of took some of the darkness out and like the heaviness. And so to our point last week about holding space, the most important thing you can do with your closest loved ones, friends and everyone else, like it's so important just to be seen, heard, understood. because I don't know about you, but exactly when you shared with me that you were feeling the same way and you heard me share that I was feeling that way, it was like relief, yes, i mean.

Speaker 2: 6:11

Our favorite sound. It really was because I had the same week I had and I thought I even messaged you like I was trying to logically figure out like how I got to this feeling or like lack of feeling really And I had a couple of really busy weeks where I did not give myself any alone time, downtime, quiet time, and I thought that was it. So I like because I had friends in town, which was awesome, and then competed in Strongman, which was great, but twice you did Like.

Speaker 1: 6:45

Back to back to competition Competition illness, keeping the demons at bay.

Speaker 2: 6:51

And I thought too, because then I ended up going back to Minnesota and I was staying with friends and I was feeling so weird And I thought it was because I needed a long time that I got myself a hotel for three days because I was struggling so much And also in a weird way, like I didn't want to, i didn't want anyone else to like witness it or I wouldn't want to have to explain it, like I just wanted to kind of like sit through it and like eat some candy in bed and like watch the office for the millions time and just like really hibernate.

Speaker 1: 7:26

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 7:27

And then I thought, okay, so that's what it was. I was like that's what it was, i just didn't have enough alone time. And then I got back to Utah and I tried to do some favorite things on my way back. Like I stopped at a hot springs, i talked to some cows. I was like, okay, i'm doing stuff that I love. And then I had my family over for Halloween, which I was really looking forward to, and I found myself just like almost like holding back tears the whole time And I was like, uh-oh, like that's not what it was, like this is something a little bit deeper. And that's when I was like I need to tell Mandy Phone a friend.

Speaker 1: 8:09

Dude, it's so similar. So similar to. I mean I would say I was in out here like deadlifting thousands of pounds and competing in strong bands back to back, But I definitely also was not sort of respecting my own time and space rules. You know, I was like packing every single weekday night with an obligation which is like a boundary that I made for myself that I wouldn't do And I was consistently breaking that and then just overpacking the schedule and trying to do all the things And then getting mad at everybody for it And then finding myself, like you said, sad, like incredibly sad, like all of sort of different themes going on in my life currently. I felt like we're all hitting me at once And because I'm a dramatic ass, like wannabe poet, writer, person, like in my heart, at like during my job, I just like have all this like time alone in my head. And, girl, it got, it got dark And there.

Speaker 1: 9:07

I was just like oh listen, i don't even want to talk about the Falcon guys. Okay, sidebar, we're talking about the Falcon. There's a Falcon in the factory. It's like National Geographic, it's the coolest thing I've ever seen. How long has it been in there? at least a week now and it's like white and cool and it's like hunting pigeons that are high.

Speaker 1: 9:35

I caught it on video and I've named him Pico and I feel like he's a spirit messenger of some sort, but I haven't figured it out. I haven't figured out why, but I keep putting out my arm to get him to land on me. Hey, well, there are people to get the these out of buildings. I have experience with us. Okay, well, i'm a little concerned now because he's literally he's literally eating the mall. All the pigeons are gone, and now I'm concerned that he won't have food and he keeps trying. Okay, this is I'm going off here on a tangent, but I'm very upset about it But there's been a Falcon just like flying over my head while I've been in my loop of doom.

Speaker 1: 10:18

You know, i've just and, and and really, when I finally I told Rachel, when we texted last night, when we were confessing our sadness to each other, i was like, dude, i've literally cried no less than twice per day for like the past week, like, oh, i'm headed to my second bathroom, cry of the day And it's, like you know, pathetic. It's like the kind where you just sit on the toilet. You don't even take your pants down, you just sit down to cry. Don't say you haven't been there, everybody's fucking been there.

Speaker 2: 10:48

And.

Speaker 1: 10:48

I'm just like comforting myself, i'm just like it's okay, it's fine, but but really I mean I'm laughing about it now, but it was, it was hardcore, and so when we got to really share that with each other last night, it was instant relief And of course I was like, oh my gosh, of course.

Speaker 1: 11:08

So then I'm realizing, like so many other people start popping up, you know, today, sharing that they've been feeling the same way, just like heaviness, and I'm like of course there's collective heaviness. We're in Scorpio season, right, and I listen I'm gonna, as a disclaimer, say that I am certainly not an expert at any zodiac astrology stuff Like I try to learn what I can here and there I know enough to kind of like limp along, but I always kind of forget that there is also like collective energy that's happening, that's affecting us all, and so once we kind of like reminded each other of that last night oh my gosh, i started doing a little bit of a deep dive and I was like, oh, so Scorpio season is kind of known for sort of helping you plunge into your shadow self and like all the things you're trying to avoid, and it's a there's a lot of death during Scorpio season and you know things that are being released in Scorpio season, and and so do you do Does that resonate with you?

Speaker 2: 12:07

Yeah, and I always think too, like the like going into fall, like things are dying and decaying and preparing for, like, the long winter, and you're like wanting to eat more and sleep more and like cocoon. And you know, i've had a fire. I've had a fire in my fireplace for two days because I was like that's my mood, that's my mood, i'm by the fire person.

Speaker 1: 12:33

Now You're like the embers of my soul.

Speaker 2: 12:37

Yeah my blanket over my head and, like it's wonderful troll. But it is, and as soon as, especially if and I think I think a lot of our listeners resonate with this too that if you're in tune or in touch, i don't know the right word But if you feel like very much connected to the woo of this right, like the planet, moon cycles, the energy, like energy stuff Yeah.

Speaker 2: 13:11

Yes, vibrations, if you feel like you're a little more in tune to it. I think it probably affects you, or you can like be self aware of how it potentially affects you.

Speaker 1: 13:26

Right.

Speaker 2: 13:26

Because we think I've talked about this before like we think we're just kicking it on this planet, but really like a lot of especially even women like a lot of our body, our, our functions are tied to what is happening in our universe. What the fuck, dude?

Speaker 1: 13:43

I know, i know, we're gonna, i know we have some like some experts in these things that we're going to start having on soon so we can pick their brains and make them spill their guts on this.

Speaker 1: 13:53

But you're absolutely right, because not only like Scorpio season sounds so like, you know, mysterious and like woo, and I know a lot of people would dismiss that as just like oh cool, like a strategy stuff. But it's so real And on top of that, i don't know much, like I said, i don't know much about it. But I also know that we are in between two eclipses and, according to like energetic, intuitive astrology, people like eclipses are like kind of like power boosters of love, like transformation and shifts. So it's like themes that you've been working on throughout your year. You kind of get like a turbo booster to like kind of push through it during eclipses and we are like having back to back ones right now. So would you say, as someone who is more intuitive and kind of in tune with this stuff and I'll answer myself what would the theme of this eclipses and be for you And how is that showing up as, as it's feeling, as we're feeling, these accelerated, heavy, dense energies?

Speaker 2: 14:53

I feel like I'm super reactive to the moon in particular, like with, even without knowing I always I call it a full moon headache, like I always have a headache on full moon days. Remember, they're like all this, like folklore which actually is real, like if you talk to nurses, like Kristen stuff, like more babies are born, like things happen.

Speaker 1: 15:16

Absolutely.

Speaker 2: 15:17

Things are happening. So I feel like whenever this stuff hits or like comes around, i'm being presented with an opportunity to like look closer at something. It's different every time, but, like for me this time around, like I was being put in my place to slow down for a minute because I kept saying yes to like I kept saying yes to too many things And then some of my work pivoted at work and now I'm completely overwhelmed. I said yes to all of this stuff. I don't have capacity. I'm not remembering things. I'm like dropping the ball and then I'm getting frustrated because all of these like side hustles are supposed to be fun, right, and now they're stressful and like taking on something now.

Speaker 2: 16:07

So I feel like in the last couple weeks I was being put down like put in my place, sit on the couch, put on the fire, like wrap yourself in a blanket, because you're stirring up all this commotion and you don't have capacity for it. So it's almost like the universe was like sitting me down. I'm like taking, making me take a time out. I'm surprised. I don't want to jinx it, i'm actually surprised. I'm like not sick right now with a cold or something too, because I've seen that in the past, when I'm overwhelmed, overbooked in this place, something will happen to or my knee will get all pissed. I have a joint disease. My knee will physically sit me down.

Speaker 1: 16:54

It's like. It's like the things that we leave unsaid start showing up in the body.

Speaker 2: 16:59

Yeah, it's all in the body.

Speaker 1: 17:02

All of it. So do you think, because we kind of, we kind of you said something last night that kind of blew my mind, i'm going to make you say it now. But do you feel like this sadness that sort of started to come in and force you to slow down, was, in a weird way, this universal protection?

Speaker 2: 18:08

Absolutely. I was trying to like and I still can't figure out like the right way to articulate it That was pretty good, but it's more of an opportunity to so like. Even this week I have a light, pretty light, low, like. I have an opportunity to sit down and slow down because the universe knows, like, what's happening on the outside, on the exterior, and so it's forcing me to go inward, the inward is the protection. Yeah, which is the?

Speaker 1: 18:39

ultimate reframe, when you're feeling the overwhelm of sadness and depression and you feel like you're being swept away. To reframe it as like, oh no, i'm being invited to go inward because I'm being protected from something, so like it's safe in here and I can just feel my feelings and cocoon, it's like not the end of the world actually is, like, i think, a pretty powerful reframe.

Speaker 2: 19:02

Returning to the body, which, again, like I had also spent the last couple weeks completely exhausting my body and pushing it so hard and probably not making the smartest decisions, even as a trainer, Like I did my best but like leading up to strong man, i could have done a lot better on like rest and food and stuff like that. And leading up to the second one a week is hard. At 40, you got to really like do your work and bounce back to perform again optimally in a week. So I just think all this led me to here And when I and it's okay to like sit in it, sit in it feel the sadness That was kind of one of our questions this week, from a listener too is like I don't chase happiness. I my goal is to feel all the feelings. That's, that's a way healthier outlook for me. Otherwise I end up in this chase mode or like this lacking mode where, like, if I'm not happy, i'm not being a human correctly.

Speaker 1: 20:07

Yeah, yeah, that's that whole that hustle culture and the. You hear it talked about a lot in the spiritual community, like on social media, the concept of spiritual bypassing right A lot of times some, some people can kind of get real hardcore about like a positive, only your vibration has to always be high or you know you're not gonna manifest, blah, blah, blah, like all the buzzwords right, and actually that's like not healthy, because some of the best work, some of the best gold, is down deep in the depths.

Speaker 2: 20:43

It's that shadow work that nobody, nobody likes to do And, honestly, it's really hard to navigate. There's not like a how to manual, how to?

Speaker 1: 20:54

the shadows, navigate your on your personal underworld. Great Well, first off you get a Falcon. You let it fall.

Speaker 2: 21:07

You. And I had a visitor.

Speaker 1: 21:09

Yes, you better share. You better share, especially after our conversation last night. You have to share.

Speaker 2: 21:15

I had. I was looking for the thing that I also rolled my eyes at that you sent me about to work, retrograde to Oh yeah. But this morning I saw I had a little spirit guide visit me, a praying mantis, which I feel like is weird for you to it hung. It hung out all day. I think it was like very slowly hunting a bug. But of course, when we looked, when I looked up, like the spirit guide meaning it was to meditate, go inward, find calm, move, slow, move, methodically.

Speaker 1: 21:53

Oh my gosh, that's crazy.

Speaker 2: 21:55

Like make very deliberate choices, and so I was like, of course, and it was like blew your mind, yeah.

Speaker 1: 22:04

And I was like see, see, like like I wasn't just crying in the bathroom five times.

Speaker 2: 22:10

Exactly, and because we were talking about and you know I'm not an expert in this either, but there's a Mars is in retrograde right now which we I don't know, maybe can explain it better But we kind of also uncovered that the theme of this retrograde, which goes all the way until January, meaning like we might all feel a little, some sort of way sad, stirred up angry, and so like the, the message, or like the thing that we can cling to is honor the delay, which, of course, i was like we don't have time to delay, we've overpacked our schedule, we've said we're crying in front of fires. See, it's true.

Speaker 1: 23:00

Well, listen, i, it is true, and the whole thing about retrograde, again, I hesitate to try to say anything official because I there are so many amazing people out there who have, like deeply studied this stuff who can bring us like the cold hard facts. So what I'm spitting out is just like the, what I remember and what I've picked up. But when it, when these energies, when people are talking about retrograde, it literally means in review. So, like it means that, like the planets that are in a transit, usually one way, are now going the opposite direction, and so, in astrological theory, right, that's the invitation for us to be in review of different themes that we have been working on. So that's why I think that retrograde, collectively, can feel like a squeeze. It can feel, you know, all this stuff coming back up again out of nowhere is a theme that comes up with retrogrades, and so it is. When you kind of start to pay attention to these things, it is kind of like a okay, this is a time to pause, like you're saying, a time to slow down and a time to be in review of the themes that I've already been working on. So I was going to share with you that for me like this Eclipse season, like this headed into fall, this Scorpio, this little cloud that we've been in.

Speaker 1: 24:19

For me the themes have been and it's really been like all year long. It's really been revisiting, like how I show up in relationship which has started with myself first, and it's been really hard because I have had, i feel like I have been challenged by the universe in every way to examine, first off, how I'm showing up for myself for real, and then like how I'm showing up in my relationships, which are completely different across the board how I'm showing up with my husband, right. How I'm showing up as a mom, how I'm showing up as a friend, how I'm showing up as a leader, how I'm showing up in my extended family, how I'm showing up on socials, like how am I showing up and is it serving me the way I've been showing up? And almost in all cases the answer is no.

Speaker 1: 25:11

So I have been in a complete overhaul of like these little, what I've called, just honestly, like several thousand deaths is what it feels like, because every, every like little identity that I was like hanging my ego on and like sure of has been completely just taken down, you know, and I have had to reexamine and it's not anybody's fault, right, it's. It's. It's actually me examining how I'm showing up and the expectations that I've been bringing into things that have almost always led me to be disappointed. You know what I mean And like having my heart broken by my, by myself. It's like I can't say this person like really disappointed me and bummed me out because it was me, that like set it up to do that and that's like the hard, the hard thing. It's like the new Taylor Swift song. It's me, i'm the problem.

Speaker 2: 26:07

It's me. I'm actually really liking that album.

Speaker 1: 26:10

Oh, it's really good. We'll talk about that later. We're gonna rip No, but it's really true. like that's what I've been feeling like I've been like furious and mad and sort of letting my my inner teen angst like just express itself in all these ways and all this betrayal and the all these feelings that I've like not allowed myself to feel. and then at the end of every lesson it's like the mask is taken off, the villain and it's me again. It's me the whole time, right.

Speaker 1: 26:41

And so I wanted to share that. I looked it up and the Falcon appears as a spirit, animal and guide in your life, as an letting you know that opportunity isn't far behind. Falcon's message is to start planning and thinking ahead and sit in the seat of your own power. I'm like, okay, okay, falcon, but it's true, i feel like the more I know this sounds backwards, but it feels like the more I just go ahead and own that and take ownership of that. it helps me better to create better boundaries with the relationships that I get to still show up in, and the ones that remain are the ones that are gold.

Speaker 1: 27:30

Yeah you know what I'm saying. But it has come with some death dude And it has come with like and I don't know if it's because you know we, oh, ha ha ha, the 1982 portal. Ha ha ha, this is 40. Ha ha ha, the new bitch. Fuck around and find out. Yeah, yeah, here I am in November, fucking crying three times a day at work. Can't, can't, fucking hack it, you know. But it's true. Like all these deaths, this I feel like hardcore weeding out inventory, what matters, what does not, what? what am I going into the next season of my life with? And it is not much because I have been pruned, but for the first time in my life it's like I am in the seat of my own power. It is just me. I'm not under any umbrella. I'm no longer under any obligation anywhere. I've pissed a lot of people off and I'm totally fine with it. For the first time in my life I'm just kind of like all right, this is how it is now.

Speaker 2: 28:38

It's it's freedom, Freedom.

Speaker 1: 28:42

Come to me, Falcon. Listen, I have my arm. Let me take you to freedom If that fucking lands on you. I'm going to lose my mind If that Falcon lands on me, I'm going to bum the fuck out Like who are we kidding?

Speaker 2: 28:57

I will not be okay, So anytime when I talk to animals and they're in, interact and they like respond back. just when I was just this weekend when I was in the middle of a cow cattle field in a hot spring, i literally was talking to this cow and it just started moving back and I was like, cool, cool.

Speaker 1: 29:22

See, oh see, the cow knew the cow understood.

Speaker 2: 29:27

I think it was more like don't come any closer because I have babies, and I was like respect.

Speaker 1: 29:33

Oh well, listen, we, we thought it was important to share these findings, right Cause by the time people listen to this, we might be maybe at least a week out of this energy, but I don't know. So we want to hear from you guys. If you're feeling the heaviness, if you're feeling, you know, the depression setting in the uh, if you're crying in the bathroom at work and you're trying to hide, just know that you're not alone. You're our people. You are our people and it is okay And we just we just felt like it was important to say so, because you know what Sometimes you just gotta We felt better.

Speaker 1: 30:07

We felt, better We felt really immediately. We do have some listener questions, though, that we get to knock out today. Do you want to share those?

Speaker 2: 30:15

Yeah, okay, we got one about which we kind of already addressed, but how do we fit so many activities into our schedules? We don't. We shouldn't. That's dating. So you know what it is.

Speaker 2: 30:33

I have a for me. At least I have a luxury right. It's just me Like I don't have to report to any, like respond to anyone, get back to kids, even like pets nothing and like I have a whole bunch of freedom right now, which is why I tend to say yes to everything, which, again, like I think would be okay In hindsight, when I look back, i'm like man, i should have said no to that stuff, knowing where I am now, but too late. But I, i literally have a whiteboard which is kind of like a dream board too.

Speaker 2: 31:06

Maybe it's like all the things that I want to do, that I love to do what's important to me, and I have kind of like a rotation. So I make sure, like these are the things that I love, prioritize, want to do, experience, travel, make sure that this person is like I'm connected to them consistently and I just kind of like shift things around. So it's almost like I just kind of like have this rotating list of like side projects and whatever else that I just kind of keep circling And then, like, as time comes up where I can put it in, i say yes, so um. However, until you know I get overwhelmed and then you know I'm in crime for a week straight.

Speaker 1: 31:54

Sometimes it'd be like that And sometimes it'd be like that, but what you're saying is you keep really focused, like very clear about what is important to you, what passions are you're going to devote your time, energy, space to?

Speaker 2: 32:11

Yes, because I used to just say yes to everything and just be like miserable all the time because I wasn't actually spending time with people that I wanted to spend with working on things that I cared about. It was all about like no boundaries, so it was just like, yes, i have capacity and or even things I want to be helpful.

Speaker 1: 32:30

So I'll do this.

Speaker 2: 32:31

Exactly Like there's also there was. I had a big ego thing for a long time doing, spending lots of times doing things I was good at but actually didn't like. But I knew it was good at it So I would just do it, But I actually didn't enjoy it at all.

Speaker 1: 32:48

So I don't, really, can't really.

Speaker 2: 32:53

So I have a rotation and I really had to commit. I think we actually maybe even talked about this in an earlier episode. Like this summer, you and I had this conversation where, like I had to clean house because I was spending time, lots of energy, on things and places and people that I actually didn't care about. So as soon as I got really clear and like, made that list and like these are the things and this is the stuff that I love to do, and scheduling it all makes it a lot easier because it's stuff I love to do So, yeah, i'm going to make time for it, right.

Speaker 1: 33:26

I am really glad that somebody asked this question because it kind of goes back to the whole social media is a highlight, real thing, yes, and I, and I appreciate it so much because I think a lot of times, you know, especially because we love you know we're in the retreats as like a passion project thing And a lot of times, especially this year, since I've been doing all this, like inner construction, i've been under construction right. I feel like a lot of what I've posted and what I've shared out in the world has just been like retreat content or podcast content, because I feel like a lot of my own personal first off, i have teenagers, so there really limits the content. You know I'm saying these kids are like, if you put me on your Instagram, yeah, i'm out of here and I don't think people understand that like I, i miss the good old days before my kids had consent, just kidding, just kidding, it was a joke, it was a joke, but but it's, it's true. Like I try really hard to be like respect, because they are their own people and don't necessarily want their lives shared And and there's a part of me even that regrets a little bit of like how much I did share when they were little, because it's like a thing now for them And I just didn't know when they were younger. So I try really hard now. So anytime you guys see my kids on my social media, i have asked them if I could post that first.

Speaker 1: 34:50

A lot of the stuff I've posted has been you know, oh, we're in Arkansas, oh we're in. You know, like we're just gonna get eaten by a Thumbelina. You know, like we're. You know, and it's like highlight real stuff and people don't. So asking like, how do you guys fit in all these activities? Well, it says struggle, it is, and it's not what it seems right out on there, because it and for me it is a balance, because I have a job and a family and stuff.

Speaker 1: 35:15

So sometimes I don't get to do all the things I'd like to do, you know, and sometimes you don't get to see, like you know, the behind the scenes stuff of like me crying at work, and I think there's something to be said to have like, um, when you know, when we do, it's like and it's like climatic, when there's climatic events that happen, right, we go and we have like a really powerful weekend with some folks at a retreat, or you know, i might get to go somewhere like as an attendee and just get my mind blown and learn all these things and have like the best time. Or you know, girls trip here or get away with Mikey there or something, and when you come back there's always like this low, like this. Do you experience that like after something cool? there's always like the blues of it being over, yes, and like back to normal. And I feel like I, the more I can like, maybe even prepare myself for that, the less I might hurt my own feelings in the future.

Speaker 2: 36:14

Yeah, That's a great like, that's a great call out, though, because that's, you know, that's also part of why I ended up here, too is because I had lots of social interaction, lots of doing things that I love, and then coming back, you know, not that I don't love my job, but like coming back to an empty house and coming back to emails, like. So there is something where I we should think of. Maybe you and I can like strategize, like what's a better way for, like reentry?

Speaker 1: 36:46

into what a great word. Yes, reentry Sam. Great question.

Speaker 2: 36:54

So to answer, we aren't we're crying at work, hoping a Falcon will land on us.

Speaker 1: 37:04

Best case scenario.

Speaker 2: 37:07

Bacon friends with praying mantises and cows It's keeping us going.

Speaker 1: 37:12

Listen, all right. Next question, all right.

Speaker 2: 37:16

This one was I think we kind of even started talking about it was happiness versus purpose in terms of driving factors in life.

Speaker 1: 37:27

Wow, We're all quiet.

Speaker 2: 37:31

But I think maybe I started to touch on this is that, like I don't happiness and I had a therapist tell me this, because I again like I felt like if I wasn't happy, i was failing, like I felt like and she was like you know, happiness isn't the goal, right, and I literally like almost fell out of my chair. I was like what do you mean? That's the purpose of life. And she's like no, it's not. I was like, wow, savage, tell me more.

Speaker 1: 38:01

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 38:02

But it was really like the intention is to experience all of the emotions. So for me, like I don't chase happiness anymore, i just try my best to let all emotions come through. Sometimes we get stuck in sadness, and depression or anger is a hard one for me, or you know, i'd never want to like get stuck in like toxic positivity, what we were talking about before. But I'm going to say this about purpose, and I don't share it that much because I feel like when I have people, it makes them feel sad or like they. I think it makes them feel like I'm like not feeling hopeful or something. But it's actually the opposite. Like my view on purpose is the most liberating definition like that I could ever come up with for myself, because I actually I used to think like, okay, their purpose is my job, purpose is being a mom, purpose is being a daughter or whatever. And then like that really wasn't it, and so I was like there's no purpose, we're screwed.

Speaker 1: 39:11

I'm so glad you said that.

Speaker 2: 39:12

We just got biologically lucky and we're here And sometimes I still think that. But for me, like purpose is? I think I feel that way because I don't. I do think we were kind of more or less like sent here for something, to live the human experience. But where I get caught up is that I don't agree with how we're living.

Speaker 2: 39:38

So like this Western capitalistic and I know this has been this way forever and ever. But like this still isn't it, like I don't think any of us should be living this way, and so the idea of purpose is really hard for me, because all I have is this Western view. That's always been where we like dominate and classes and races and like all these things.

Speaker 1: 40:03

Right, like the purpose Allah, i'm going to be someone. This is what I was, this is who I'm going to be, this is what I'm supposed to do, and I'm fulfilling this like, yeah, specific role or thing.

Speaker 2: 40:18

Yeah, like work eight, you know, work until you die and and have some fun along the way. I just don't want that for any of us.

Speaker 1: 40:26

The brass ring right Like the, you have the house and maybe a vacation home, and you're successful if dot, dot, dot dot forever.

Speaker 2: 40:34

Yeah, yeah. So I'm like man. what if somehow, magically, we could like wave a wand and like strip all that away and all of us could just like pick it?

Speaker 1: 40:43

Thank you. Well, it goes back to that conversation we had about our ancestors. Like, did they strive for success? Was that like? was that something like an ancient times or, you know, like when I when I say ancient times, i mean like people living off the land was it? was success a factor of fulfillment, you know purpose? Or was it just simply existing and surviving? Is that like something that we've put on ourselves in this you know, modern capitalized world we live in?

Speaker 1: 41:14

I'm so glad you said that because that would be especially after this year for me, would be closer to my answer to. I think if you'd have caught me four years ago, you and everybody else who's known me would would know that, like I had very specific purpose, that I believed in same and built my whole life upon, and in 97 ways it has been removed And I don't think out of cruelty. I don't think that, like I don't think like Oh God or the universe is, like you know, taking me down and caused me to suffer. It's not like that. It's like I've experienced some things that have brought humiliation into my awareness to not for cruelty, but to show me that the quote, unquote purpose I was living for was false.

Speaker 1: 42:06

Right. It was not truly just allowing me to show up and exist as I am, without like performing or striving or sacrificing myself, and that's really, really hard. And it's really hard to try to explain, in fact, some of my pity party loop of doom realness. Look, i'm being real. This is Bill your guys podcast. So this is where we get like all fucking emotional and real. It's like one of the hard things that I've been struggling with is like I used to be somebody. That's like what my ego says. I used to actually be somebody important or that I thought right.

Speaker 1: 42:44

Because, I had quote unquote purpose and I had like a title and certain credentials that made sense in the world that I was in And I really was counting on that to be somebody. And when all of that was removed because it wasn't real, all I was left with was myself And I have been having to learn how. That is not only enough, but it's everything, and you just can't get there unless you go down in the depths, dude, but nobody wants that answer.

Speaker 2: 43:19

No, we got to go into the shadows. I was just thinking about like that. The older like this is 40, the more I completely reject you being somebody. Fuck being somebody. Yeah, exactly Like I really reject it because I'm so pissed that we have to live this way. Yeah, you know what I mean. Like wouldn't it like a utopia be, like we just get to have a little farm and like create art and like visit each other and hold hands and I don't know. I just like that's what I say when I don't want to be here. People get concerned. I'm like it's not that, it's just I don't want this for us. We have so much potential and we're like loop.

Speaker 1: 44:04

Did you send me a TikTok? that was like. You know, we had the potential to create anything. Here we are in capitalism, when I could just be somewhere with my titties out But eating fruit and talking to bugs, you know. But yet here I am walking around trying to catch a falcon, you know. Yeah, here we are And it's like listen, i don't want our peeps to think like I'm not being a jerk and I'm certainly not judging anybody, like I'm not saying like, don't chase after goals, don't like, don't like be somebody right.

Speaker 1: 44:41

Like you have like a specific dream or desire or passion, something in your heart that lights your ass on fire. Go, fucking get it. That is not what I'm saying. In fact, forsake all else to find that thing and live truly like from that place, that place that like lights you up, that you can't not think about right, like that's the thing to chase after. What I am sort of saying is is releasing the hustle coaster of trying to show up in the world as a certain thing like you know, the marketable, you know that whole thing. I just I'm so, i'm over that And and I don't, yeah, and it and the more and more I feel like I step into truly like, like I said, the theme for me has been how do I show up? The more I show up for myself, the less I need to be someone.

Speaker 1: 45:35

Yeah for anybody for my, for like family members, extended for so-called friends I thought I had. The more and more I show up for me, the less and less I need that, And it's pretty wild.

Speaker 2: 45:49

I love it. I think it's super liberating. I wish I could have come to this conclusion earlier. I mean, I know our life unfolds exactly how it should blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1: 46:01

It's the 40 portal, 40 portal.

Speaker 2: 46:04

For like to pilgrim again. But man, i just uh, like we just buy into so much and then find out like what we really want and what we really love And we're like, damn, i could have been doing this the whole time.

Speaker 1: 46:20

Yeah, girl. Well, that's why we got to start. We got to listen, we got to get hydrated, we got to go take a nap, we got to take better care of ourselves, cause we got shit to do.

Speaker 2: 46:29

We got to get off the. I got to stop making fires, I got to go. No, keep making fires.

Speaker 1: 46:36

I think that's a good place to wrap up. You go make a fire, i'm going to go look up how to train a Falcon And uh, if any of you guys please like, we will want to hear from you. If you've been feeling the same way, slide into the DMs. You know, send us your questions, spill your guts, share with us. Hopefully any of this resonated with you, but, uh, we will catch you guys next time. Thank you for listening.